Hi all.
Sorry if this post is going to be long and just terrible grammar/kind of all over the place. I am not good in a good spot currently (Yes I just started therapy, we've only had 1 intake session so far). I posted this in another thread to get advice because I am spirialling and it is pending approval.
Okay so I am 27F H27M we've been married for 6 years, together for 8. We have 1 child together (5yB)
I have ALWAYS struggled with anxiety (GAD), PTSD (From SA/Trafficking), OCD (No, not the cleaning kind), and I am a huge aggoraphobe. These were all diagonsised from my many therapist/psych docs in the past.
In short terms, life hasn't really been easy for me until I met my husband. He is VERY kind, gentle, sweet, compassionatie, and OVERLY patient. He encourages me to be and do better. I honestly would not be here if it weren't for him.
He helped me emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally get my GED at 19, helped me get an Associate degree at 23. He is always there to be an amazing support. Honestly, an amazing guy. We NEVER fight or argue. I can count on one hand of 3ish arguments we had, if it's even called that.
For the past 2ish years, I've been having rocky issues. Some are my fault (Like losing my career because I kept having mental breakdowns after getting SA/d by a vendor at work). My mom having her medical issues (Shes currently on hospice) and so forth.
I don't know if its just guilt of feeling like a failure or if I really am the problem. I currently am working a part time job to just float by for the last 6 months and my husband carries majority of the bills. He hasn't complained, but I see the tax its taking on him. He is just sometimes mentally not there because of stress.
Anyways, fast forward to today. He wanted to take our son to the mountains, and I just started crying and telling him not to. I told him I was nervous because what if he falls, what if he passes out because of the elevation, what if a bobcat gets him, or a landslide happens. I understand it is an OCD loop of panic and co trol, but he got upset with me for the first time verbally and not yelled but raised his tone (i guess is how you'd put it) basically saying to just stop and calm down. That he is a capable parent and will take care of him. I told him it wasn't like that, but then he said for once stop being so difficult. I got my feelings hurt.
But it made me think and realize that I am holding him back. Seriously I am. I never went to any concerts with him besides 1 time and I just hid in a corner crying while he was moshing(ESPECIALLY for artists he always cared about) and he always buys me a ticket, I never go hiking with him (Thats because of my own trauma with how I got trafficked), I never eat out with him because I can't handle the fast enviroment. I lost my job to my own fault, I never hangout with him with his friends because my anxiety gets to me. I decline almost every social event, because I just haven't figured a way to handle it. I stopped driving a year ago because I kept getting distracted on the road and felt like a hazard to everyone else. He refused a good job promotion because it meant relocating and he knew I wouldnt do it (we never really talked about it).
Thats just the small things you know, I can keep going on and on of my short comings in our relationship.
He is a very active guy, think like a puppy almost. Very loyal, loving, and forgiving. As for me, I'm like a homebody hermit crab. He is a great life partner, but what if he's just settling? When it comes to parenting, were both very attentive and supportive for our kiddo. Even if I am a mess on the inside, I hide it well for my kid. I never allow myself to breakdown in front of our son.
So, what would you do? Leave so he can get true enjoyment? He really deserves better, and I don't think I can fix my life this quickly for him. I feel like I can't amount myself to being the partner he needs and deserves. Maybe I'm just stuck in my head and just stop over analyzing. I want this to work. I just don't want to feel like a burden to him.
Any advice would help