This is a quasi-update to this post here, which detailed the healing journey I went on after reconnecting with my ex, who helped me to truly understand the struggles of BPD from a human perspective, and how grateful I am to her for giving me that perspective.
I also mentioned that she ended up in a relationship with someone else, briefly mentioning my concerns about it being a coping mechanism for her deeper troubles, given her stated strategy at the time for dealing with her mental health struggles was: "I'm trying not to think about it".
At the time, there was a lot of uncertainty about whether we could still continue to be friends, or where any of this would go.
That's why I'm glad to say that a year later, our friendship and bond continue to endure, despite what "conventional" wisdom might say.
When I congratulated her on her then-new relationship, I made sure to set the boundaries I needed to keep this friendship alive, as well as encouraging her to set her own (though she was more than happy with the ones I'd laid out).
In short, I said that I needed space, both to allow me to reset, and allow their relationship to develop and grow as it would without my interference, so we went into a temporary no contact period. There was no set deadline for breaking it, as I didn't want that hanging over us, but I was clear in it being temporary, and that I would always be reachable in case of emergency. I really cherish our friendship, even if we never got back together, so I wanted to do everything I could to respect her choices while laying the runway for an eventual reconnection after enough time had passed.
And seven months later, I was true to my word,
On our shared birthday (cute right?), I reconnected with a long, warm, boundary conscious text.
The themes of the message were acceptance, agency and identity - Congratulating her on becoming a solicitor, while also stating unambiguously that it's not her achievements that make her special, but the person she is underneath. That even if she'd achieved nothing, I'd still be her forever friend. I also gave her full permission to show her partner the message, if she wanted, while also clarifying that she was free to not do so as well. The same went for replying to the message, I wanted to make sure that there was no obligation, and that this message was a gift in its purest form. Her choices. Her agency.
She replied with a similar message that felt like yet another stage of healing, so happy to hear from me (much to my relief).
She unsent the message about ten minutes after it was sent, but I don't interpret that as hostility. My bet is that she was either simply frightened by what she typed, or more innocently, her finger may have slipped. There really was no way of telling. Regardless, I made sure to send another text after ensuring her that I wasn't offended, and understood that there was plenty of valid reasons to retract the text, and echoing back what she had previously told me about her impulse to push people away, or go numb or cold, and validating that as a response without judgement.
That's a big part of my approach - I'm both seeing her symptoms for what they are, displaying understanding, validating her wherever I can, and accepting that these symptoms are woven into her inner world, so being her friend means accommodating them whenever possible.
And I was able to repeat the success of this approach with some deeply emotional conversations we had in January & March when my cat (whom she loved like her own child) was dying.
She didn't retract any messages this time, and the conversations did go much deeper before she withdrew again, which I just accept as part of the friendship at this point. Being her friend means, accepting her instability, and until she returns to active treatment, all I can really do is be a supportive presence. And I do it gladly because there really is no one like her, and I'm just grateful to have her in my life.
I can't be her therapist, but I can be her friend, and accept her, no matter the state she's in.
As for her new relationship, my confidence in it hasn't really increased since last year.
They moved in together about 2-4 months in, and now they're engaged after only 16-17 months. From what I've seen, it seems to be a relationship driven by rapid escalation and sensation seeking. Even the engagement is suspect because her boyfriend's availability is about to drop as he takes on the role of director for an amateur musical production for the next four months (we're both in the theatre community, so word gets around), so I'm worried this proposal was an attempt to stabilise her and "prove" that he loves her without the near constant levels of attention he's given her for the past few months, and it's hard to see that ending well (if that is the case).
The new guy doesn't seem like a bad dude, but I worry that he may not have any boundaries nor understand her complexities, and is treating this as a problem he can throw money, grand gestures and expensive vacations at.
Nothing I can do, though. I just really hope they make it work as I worry how badly this could affect her, if the relationship does fail, given how high the stakes have been raised, and how quickly.
Regardless, she'll always have my support, my care, and my love. And whatever path she chooses, I'll always be there to support her in whatever capacity she's comfortable with.