My only real passion is being pretty
I’m 20f and currently a student at the biggest uni in my state. I got a full ride because of a few merit scholarships and need based grants. I’m a STEM major, and I’m studying conservation, biology, and animal science. Everyone thinks my biggest passion in life is saving animals and the environment, and I currently have plans to apply to grad school of some kind. Everyone in my life is super excited and always talking about how proud they are of me.
But the truth is, I really don’t give a fuck about any of it. I like animals ok enough, I don’t really gaf about conservation and ecology though. It’s terrible because I see all these super driven, intelligent, passionate people around me and I just can’t relate to them at all. I’ve never really been passionate about anything- not any sports, or extracurriculars. It’s not for lack of trying, I’ve cycled through basically everything under the sun and I can’t enjoy it for more than a month.
The only thing I’ve consistently cared about since forever is my looks. I used to stare into my reflection for hours in grade school. I had really low self esteem, but I was still super vain. It’s just gotten worse and worse. Today I spent hours just looking at pictures of myself. I can’t leave the house for lectures without a full face and perfect hair. The only real excitement I get from lectures is the thought of people staring at me and thinking of me as pretty. It’s honestly the only thing I really care about. I’m not stupid, I’m not one of those vapid women online that are trad and want to go back to traditional womanhood or anything like that. I’m trying to be passionate and have a fulfilling career and achieve stuff in life, but it all feels so hollow.
I want to know if anyone feels similarly to me, and how they’ve combatted this? Is it a psychological defect, or is there something I’m not trying?