I’ve been with my partner for 12 years and we have a 4-year-old child. Over the last few years, things have shifted in a way that is breaking me mentally. I feel isolated and I’m looking for an honest reality check on these behaviors.
The Red Flags:
• Digital Secrecy: She is constantly on her phone, smiling at notifications more than she ever smiles at me. She takes it everywhere. After seeing me talk to people for support, she recently exploded at me. Since then, her phone usage dropped, but her PC/tablet usage spiked. When looking through her phone, there are no male names in the contacts, but she could easily delete logs.
• The "Alibi" Hobby: She spends 2-3 hours at a time alone on a hobby. She runs "errands" for this hobby on weekends that take much longer than they should. She also claimed to sign legal documents for a serious volunteer arrangement on the 20th, but the date passed, she never went, and her excuse was just "they probably didn't need me."
• Physical Rejection & Shame: We have almost no intimacy. She refuses to let me see her change clothes and will not let me see her unclothed during intimacy. She strictly forbids any physical contact or foreplay in sensitive areas, then mocks me for "not being able to satisfy her."
• Maintenance Sex: After 2-month droughts, she will suddenly initiate twice in one night, then go back to a total drought. During these times, she tells me to "hurry up and finish" because of the child.
• New "Techniques": Recently, she started requesting very specific new types of physical stimulation that she never mentioned in 12 years. She gets angry that I "don't do it right" but won't explain where she learned this. She insists I am her only ever partner.
• Verbal Abuse/Devaluation: She mocks my body constantly—calling me fat, skinny, or hairy. She attacks my masculinity and tells me I am "insufficient." She threatens to kick me out of "her house" whenever I try to stand up for myself.
• The Double Standard: She tells me stories about being "playful" and having physical contact with male and female coworkers, but says "it's not the same" if I mention being friendly with women. She has threatened me with physical harm to my body if I ever cheated, yet she accuses me of cheating with any woman who speaks to me.
The Question:
Is this a medical/stress issue (she has had health issues in the past, but her medication was supposed to normalize things years ago), or am I seeing the classic signs of an affair and emotional abuse? I feel like I'm losing my mind.