u/Affectionate_Lie1300

I have been going through a divorce. A divorce I never thought would happen. We had 30yrs together. We went through a lot together not all bad either, we had a lot of good times too. I always loved him immensely, deeply , loyally. I could stay mad at him long when we would fight which was few and far between.. I

Then things slowly changed with him with me. I didn’t realize right sway but I was in a depression. It wasn’t his fault he was the only thing that I looked forward to. When I am stressed, hurt, angry, depressed, sad, or overstimulated I have a tendency to totally shut down, shut people out, I don’t talk, I don’t call and I sleep…not for a hour, not for half a day, not for a week but for months .. as I stood there watching in my minds eye what happened back then. I watched myself go from loving, affectionate, caring, passionate, very sexual .. to nothing but hugs once in awhile with me initiating , kisses good bye, goodnight , good morning.. He would come in hug me , kiss me, try to initiate sex all the time but I would shot it down most the time .. This scenario I should say happened a long time ago .Then it would go away for a bit, then come bck like depression, anxiety does..

My point is that my husband used to be a man of morality, integrity, love and loyalty one time . He was kind caring.. I look and can see how my depression hurt him..He knew I had depression, he knew I had severe anxiety, in fact he was the only one that could ever calm my anxiety attacks.. I tried different medications.. but none worked. I never tried to control him, I never checked his phone or laptop.. I wouldn’t go out anywhere except grocery store or I would say I would go but then not go cause of the depression. Not cause I didn’t want to but the depression decided..

I see now how I hurt him. I see now
How that could make sum one feel a certain way. Neglected, uncared about in an away.. because I did always tell him how much i loved him how I was so happy to be married.. I felt honored to love him and he love me. I also see how my depression made me lack as a partner in a way I should have been there to help shoulder problems and not lay everything on him.. I

I can fully see how that could hurt someone. I can fully see how that could make someone feel not valued. Not wanted. What I don’t see is how my husband knew I had severe depression and anxiety from trauma before him so his narrative that I did it on purpose , I don’t see. I didn’t purposely do these things to hurt him. Also he never once came to have a talk with me about his feelings, hurt, nothing. .. so I never had the opportunity to fix it or try ..

All I know is I’m sorry . I’m sorry for your pain. I’m sorry for your hurt and I’m sorry that you had to become someone who is had to instead of just saying “ I can’t anymore” anything..

I see how I hurt you. I see clearly what I didn’t see.. I am sorry that is how you felt .. I also see what I received in return though for half our decades together was not deserved..I didn’t deserve the cruelty, the lies about me, the vengeance and all the cheating then coming home to sleep with me, not caring what STD you could give me.

I feel so bad that I hurt you unintentionally.. I feel worse that you did it intentionally.. Why even continue on with me and move, make a big purchase when you didn’t love me. You hated me . I saw the love letters to others . The lies you told about who I am.. I’m sorry for the ways I hurt you, I’m sorry the pain ..I’m sorry for unintentionally making you feel unwanted and unloved ..

I’m sorry though that I pulled out of my depression, I’m sorry I made and rfffort to change how i talk , how I react everything but it didn’t matter cause you didn’t want to see it .. I’m sorry you became evil cruel and a coward.. at least i got my to have my princess L . I miss her.

I see now . I’m sorry you can’t . Don’t worry I’m not going to bother you or talk to you ever again . Like you wanted .. I’m sorry you died .

Your widow