So I go to a university clinic where I am attending grad school since it is cheap and nearby. I have been seeing this therapist since September and had been hesitant about starting therapy again due to some therapy trauma in the past- which he had come to learn about. I have dealt with mad anxiety over this and he has spent so long reassuring me that he is not going anywhere, that he cares about me, and he has autonomy in his decision to see me as a patient. He knew I wanted to continue sessions in the summer since I would still be on campus and need the support system, and we had been actively talking about figuring out both of our academic schedules. Now bear in mind that it has taken me a very long time to open up to this therapist and have told him things that I have never told anyone but my fiancé about. I am a very private person and it is extremely difficult for me to open up about past traumas.
I walk into the session yesterday and he is holding a referral sources packet and I immediately clock what this means. Sure enough, he brings it up in the first five minutes of the session that he cannot see me this summer, to where I completely freeze up and spent twenty or thirty minutes being completely silent before I started to tear up. I feel completely betrayed since even our last session we were still talking about this being a thing throughout the summer semester. He also knows I have a great fear of him leaving me and he has spent so long reassuring me he is not going anywhere. I would have appreciated at least a month’s head up rather than a hey btw this is our last session. I am under the impression that he can still see me in the fall, but why would I even want to go back when my trust has been betrayed this bad?
I am terrified for this summer since I am required to be doing an overload on credits for my grad program and am terrified of spiraling. I have been down that path and need accountability to not do it again. We also have been starting to work through some deeper stuff on days I feel like it, and I would be terrified to completely start this process over again. I need to either seek out another therapist, or come back to him in the fall, but I do not want to start completely over with someone new or go back to a care provider that I feel like stabbed me right into the stomach. I also threw away the referral packet on my way out since I was so pissed off and now I would virtually have to start from scratch on researching new people. I guess I just need some encouragement to figure out what to do.