So I only learnt about attachment styles/avoidants last year when a girl I dated broke up with me and I found her behaviour so perculiar I had to look it up.
Since then, I said to myself I would never date an avoidant again so long as I can help it. If I suspected deactivating behaviour or being disrespected, I would, respectfully, call it out. This way, if they're secure, we can talk about it; if they're avoidant, they'll disappear but better now than +6 months later.
The problem I've found is that when you're dating an avoidant, in the first few weeks you experience the honeymoon period and you're tricked into thinking this person is secure. Then after a month or so, it can all go downhill (depending on how accepting you are of their behaviour).
I nevetheless went forward with this strategy to draw a boundary when I felt disrespected and I found that this led to very short-lived relationships. I am also worried that I attract avoidants and that they are my type, as I suspect my Mum is one (boys marry their mums, girls marry their dads , kind of thing).
If that's the case, then I feel like I am well and trully fucked.
Attached I've listed examples of the women I dated in the past 9 months. It shows either me calling out their behaviour or when they broke it off.
Apologies some of them are in German but I provided a general translation below along with general annotations.
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Woman #1 (dated 6 months)
Image 1
I calmly drew a boundary that she couldnt keep cancelling plans last minute
After this message we then met in person where she broke it off because "it didn't feel right"
And therein was I introduced to the wonderful world of dating avoidants (as far as I'm aware)
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Woman #2 (dated 2 months)
Image 2
We talked about meeting on Friday but she was incredibly vague and she didn't answer my question about what we should do.
I also noticed she unmatched me on Hinge but I mentioned it in the next screenshot.
To summarise what I'm saying in German:
>"(me) okey dokey then, since I haven't heard from you, I have planned something else for this evening. I'm looking for more commitment therefore I'll leave it there. Take care"
I was not expecting her response and I think it's because her ego got bruised as she's supposed to be the one who rejects me, not the other way round.
To summarise what she's saying in German (it's a lot, so am paraphrasing):
>"(her) I thought we had a date...I was busy and had worked long hours. I don't write so much these days anyway. I thought [name of bar] was secured and we would spontaneously think of something. Sorry that I didn't contact you. Would you like to talk on the phone? I am quite shocked. I was looking forward to meeting you"
Image 3
I replied and said in German:
>"(Me) I can understand that you are surprised but after that unmatch on Hinge and the radio silence, for me it was the logical consequence. We can talk about it in the next days but let's just leave it there for now. Have a great weekend"
She said in German:
>"(her) For me that [the unmatch] had no meaning. It shouldn't have come across like that! It seems like a misunderstanding. For me it was simple 'we'll see each other Friday and decide on the details.' I am really sad now ...[ect and then she's offers me a telephone call which we do on the following Monday]"
Image 4
After our telephone call, we meet up for coffee, have a nice time and then she sends me this:
>"(her) After our conflict, I’ve created a distance that just won’t go away. I like you but to see you more would not be harmonious. I wish you a nice weekend ...[ect..]"
To summarise what I said:
>"(me) thanks for your honesty. I have no interest in forcing something that does not feel right to you. Take care ..ect"
It just seems to me that she wanted to breakup on her own terms. Within two weeks of this message, as I never I reached out, she blocked me.
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Woman #3 (dated 1 month)
Image 5
So after we had our 3rd date when she came round my flat, I cooked a nice meal for both of us and then we were intimate. She said when I last saw her we should do something on the weekend. But after I last saw her she went quiert and here is when she canceled after I asked about the weekend. I also thought she unmatched me on Bumble but was mistaken. I apologised but as you can see, there was no return.
Image 6
Her response actually shook me to my core. Before these two messages she had sent me, she was the nicest person I had ever met. We had sooooooo much in common as well it was insane. But there you go
I never replied. After 4 weeks, she blocked me.
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Woman #4 (dated 1 month)
Image 7
We had planned to meet in this town which was an equal distance for both of us. She chose the date (two weeks in advance), she chose the town, she had even been there before. As you can see, we were chatting in german (she's native, I am not). And still, she freaked out and cancelled on the day of the trip because of these migraines she was having. We had had video calls and phone calls before but had never met in person and I guess will never meet in person.
To summarise what she's saying in German:
>"Good morning, I don't think I can make it today....[skipping a bit] I'm really sorry...........perhaps we can catch up tomorrow. Migraines typically last 2-3 days"
To summarise what I'm saying:
>"It's a pity but absolutely understandable. Rest well. I'm busy tomorrow but don't stress about dates and just focus on resting. Get well soon!"
After that *'*Danke', she hasn't messaged since.
Soo Im expecting to be blocked in a few weeks time as im seeing a pattern here
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Am I doing the right thing here and is there another way to filter out avoidants when dating?