Yeah, when I get triggered I get mad, so. Lol.
I've been having an episode since I left work. I think what set it off was recognizing that I won't be paid for four days, because I was sick during those days and I've used up all three of my sick days already. (Yes, I live in America. How could you tell?) [My job is very germy and stressful; everyone gets sick a lot, especially if you're newer, like me.] So, yeah, I'm a little worried about rent. I think it'll be fine but it'll dip into my savings, which is stressing me out, because I already had to dip into my savings to afford the Urgent Care cost...So...Can only dip so much before you hit the bottom, right?
"Just save money!" Oh, really, you think so????? /s
Anyway, from then on, I've just been having thoughts and memories about a recent emotionally abusive relationship (my second one, lol -- I really know how to pick 'em) -- and these other toxic friendships, and just realizing how alone I really am. My PTSD stems from my first abusive relationship, and everyone (including my counselor at the time, and my mother) telling me to go eat shit and die, and just realizing that on top of that pain, I will literally be laughed at or punished for being in pain, oh but don't forget to do this, don't forget to study, don't forget to work, don't forget to.............
And tbh, like going back to the toxic friendships, I just know I've been screwed over a lot by people I trust. I'm just sick of it. Thinking about letting down this girl I've been seeing, just because I can't do any more of it. This is the way it always goes: you fuck up and they get mad, but also if they fuck up you can't get mad. She's a nice person and I'm worried my trauma's going to hurt her, especially since the last guy opened back up the wounds right when I thought I was getting better. He was a fucking creepy shit -- I was literally scared to look at him because he'd get mad, he fucking snapped at me for closing a car door for God's sakes. I just can't date anymore, I honestly hate being in relationships and how they fuck up your brain, I've never been happy in dating and like 50% of my trauma stems from it (the other 50% is my mom LMAO).
Fuck my dumb baka life, lol.
Victims of abuse really are alone. Like no one's ever gonna try to kick down doors to save us. Fuck me, they'd lock us inside, lmao. We're fucked. The expectation is that we save ourselves, but we can never acknowledge that, nor the strength that that entails. We have to swallow down the trauma, and swallow down the pride of being better than our trauma. We're uppity if we demand recognition and support; abuse victims can't be uppity, they have to be tragic, they have to be silent. Maybe if they get lucky enough to find themselves on the stand of a courtroom, MAYBE society will tolerate a few tears here and there (actually, in Gisele Pelicot's case, it was straight-up demanded of her at one point, lol), but otherwise we just need to shut the fuck up and get over it. That's what's demanded of us.
Honestly, I don't even know if there's any point in being strong. I don't know if it's really worth it. Who the fuck wants to live in a world like this? Some motherfucker almost hit my car the other day for no fucking reason, other than he wanted to be in my lane -- literally for no reason, he wasn't passing anyone or making a turn, he just wanted in. Fucking could have killed me or totaled my car just because he wanted to. I had to slam the brakes to save both our stupid asses. Sick of this shit and I'm sick of people, we're all worthless fuck-heads.
"Stop being such a victim!" But legally speaking I am one, so. And honestly idgaf, I'm just being real. Saying the shit everyone else is too much of a coward to say.