u/Affectionate-Trip-34

TW!!

Triggering Topics!! (Sexual trauma, body image, gynocamastia )

I’m 34m AuDHD adult and trying to unpack something I don’t see talked about much—how trauma, body image, and hyperfixation can get tangled together. At least for me.

I have a history of sexual trauma, and I’m realizing it shaped how my brain relates to bodies, especially male bodies. What shows up for me isn’t just attraction—it’s more like a mix of curiosity, comparison, and a need to understand where I fit.

I also had gynecomastia growing up (years 12-28, then got surgery at 28), which made me hyper-aware of my own body growing up. I think that pushed me even further into observing and comparing, almost like I was trying to study what “normal” looked like and measure myself against it.

Because of that, I developed a hyperfixation on the male body—details, differences, how people look, how bodies change. My brain wants to collect and analyze that information, even when I know it’s not helpful or healthy.

Masturbation also became tied into this—not just for pleasure, but as a way to regulate stress and calm my nervous system.

There were times I crossed boundaries I’m not proud of. In certain environments (like locker rooms or saunas), I would notice when I was being looked at and would respond in ways meant to get acknowledgment. I wasn’t seeking sex or interaction—I was chasing the feeling of being seen, desired, and like I belonged or strange enough a form of camaraderie.

That doesn’t make it okay. I take responsibility for that. But understanding the why matters to me—because it wasn’t about wanting people, it was about wanting validation and connection in a way my brain had learned.

I’m married, and I’ve been honest with my wife about this because I don’t want to live in secrecy or denial. I don’t want to keep relying on this pattern.

What I actually want is to feel okay in my own body without needing external validation. I don’t want my sense of worth to be tied to comparison or being noticed in that way.

At the core of all of this, I think I was just trying to feel seen… and to feel like I belonged.

I’m working on unlearning it, but I’m curious if anyone else with AuDHD or trauma has experienced something similar—where curiosity, regulation, and validation all get mixed together like this.

I’m 34m AuDHD adult and trying to unpack something I don’t see talked about much—how trauma, body image, and hyperfixation can get tangled together. At least for me.

I have a history of sexual trauma, and I’m realizing it shaped how my brain relates to bodies, especially male bodies. What shows up for me isn’t just attraction—it’s more like a mix of curiosity, comparison, and a need to understand where I fit.

I also had gynecomastia growing up (years 12-28, then got surgery at 28), which made me hyper-aware of my own body growing up. I think that pushed me even further into observing and comparing, almost like I was trying to study what “normal” looked like and measure myself against it.

Because of that, I developed a hyperfixation on the male body—details, differences, how people look, how bodies change. My brain wants to collect and analyze that information, even when I know it’s not helpful or healthy.

Masturbation also became tied into this—not just for pleasure, but as a way to regulate stress and calm my nervous system.

There were times I crossed boundaries I’m not proud of. In certain environments (like locker rooms or saunas), I would notice when I was being looked at and would respond in ways meant to get acknowledgment. I wasn’t seeking sex or interaction—I was chasing the feeling of being seen, desired, and like I belonged or strange enough a form of camaraderie.

That doesn’t make it okay. I take responsibility for that. But understanding the why matters to me—because it wasn’t about wanting people, it was about wanting validation and connection in a way my brain had learned.

I’m married, and I’ve been honest with my wife about this because I don’t want to live in secrecy or denial. I don’t want to keep relying on this pattern.

What I actually want is to feel okay in my own body without needing external validation. I don’t want my sense of worth to be tied to comparison or being noticed in that way.

At the core of all of this, I think I was just trying to feel seen… and to feel like I belonged.

I’m working on unlearning it, but I’m curious if anyone else with AuDHD or trauma has experienced something similar—where curiosity, regulation, and validation all get mixed together like this.

I’m 34m AuDHD adult and trying to unpack something I don’t see talked about much—how trauma, body image, and hyperfixation can get tangled together. At least for me.

I have a history of sexual trauma, and I’m realizing it shaped how my brain relates to bodies, especially male bodies. What shows up for me isn’t just attraction—it’s more like a mix of curiosity, comparison, and a need to understand where I fit.

I also had gynecomastia growing up (years 12-28, then got surgery at 28), which made me hyper-aware of my own body growing up. I think that pushed me even further into observing and comparing, almost like I was trying to study what “normal” looked like and measure myself against it.

Because of that, I developed a hyperfixation on the male body—details, differences, how people look, how bodies change. My brain wants to collect and analyze that information, even when I know it’s not helpful or healthy.

Masturbation also became tied into this—not just for pleasure, but as a way to regulate stress and calm my nervous system.

There were times I crossed boundaries I’m not proud of. In certain environments (like locker rooms or saunas), I would notice when I was being looked at and would respond in ways meant to get acknowledgment. I wasn’t seeking sex or interaction—I was chasing the feeling of being seen, desired, and like I belonged or strange enough a form of camaraderie.

That doesn’t make it okay. I take responsibility for that. But understanding the why matters to me—because it wasn’t about wanting people, it was about wanting validation and connection in a way my brain had learned.

I’m married, and I’ve been honest with my wife about this because I don’t want to live in secrecy or denial. I don’t want to keep relying on this pattern.

What I actually want is to feel okay in my own body without needing external validation. I don’t want my sense of worth to be tied to comparison or being noticed in that way.

At the core of all of this, I think I was just trying to feel seen… and to feel like I belonged.

I’m working on unlearning it, but I’m curious if anyone else with AuDHD or trauma has experienced something similar—where curiosity, regulation, and validation all get mixed together like this.