AITAH for not giving money to my son’s birthmother?
My husband and I (48F) have two adopted children. Our youngest (15M) was born in the town we live in, and we have a very open relationship with his birth family, especially his birthmother, “Mary” (60F.) Things have always been good between us. We see her 4-5 times a year. We get her gifts for her birthday, Christmas, and Mother’s Day. She is extremely poor— she doesn’t work and only receives a small amount of disability.
When our children were younger, I stayed at home with them and my husband is a teacher, so we lived very modestly. I went back to school (for eight years!) and became a doctor. Our financial situation has definitely improved. We live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. But we have a big mortgage and big student loans.
Not long after Mary came over to our new house for the first time, she asked for money for the first time— $150 to pay her power bill. I called the power company to pay it and found out she actually owed over $450 and the $150 was bare minimum due so her power wasn’t shut off. So I paid the remaining balance. After that, I got a request every other month or so for small amounts of money. And since we can afford it, I would give it to her. But when the requests became more frequent, we told her we would send her $50 a month but that was all we would give her. Mary gradually began asking for an advance on the next month’s “allowance” (that sounds gross but I can’t think of a better word to describe it.)
Eventually, we just told her we could not give her any more money, that it was becoming awkward and affecting our relationship with her and that was the last thing we wanted for our son. She said she understood and things got better for a while. (She has 7 adult children and several siblings who she could turn to when she needs financial help.)
But recently she started asking me for money again. $10 for an uber to the doctor. $20 to pay her water bill. $15 for medicine. All things that are necessities. I felt guilty so I sent her the money.
But lately the requests have gotten more frequent and she needs the money immediately. She’ll text me in the middle of the day and tell me she needs money to get to the doctor for an appointment that starts in 30 minutes.
I started ignoring Mary’s texts asking for money and that seemed to work for a while. But this week she has texted several times a day asking for $25 so she can get an Uber for an appointment. Her tone is becoming more aggressive. She told me if I don’t get her the money she’s going to have to reschedule or cancel the appointment.
I feel like such an asshole because I can afford the $25. And I feel guilty because she has so little and we have so much. I mean, we have her son!!!! But the constant asking for money is making me so resentful. I feel like an ATM.
AITA here?