Heart feels so heavy, panic attacks after getting cheated [21M]
We got into relationship in Oct 2021.
Many promises were made, we saw life with each other and even our child name as well.
I started to act serious in my life for her, after 12th, I took one year drop, gave JEE and got tier 1.5 NIT.
I was insecure and she was also (little), she was not happy that I moved to a new city (she also started to prepare for UPSC with online batch, she is a brain patient (has weak cerebrum not that serious but yes).
We both have anger issues, but I am quite responsible with my actions and she is a very pampered child as her father was rich (A jewellery business).
So in august 2024, as she was unhappy with my decision to move to another state to get admitted into NIT, (she never appreciated or gave fuck about my achievements of higher marks in boards and cracking JEE or my skills but its alright idc).
I opposed her going offline coaching as I was so insecure, but I later adapted and trusted her totally, she moved to offline coaching in last week of august without telling me and it disappointed me and I was sad and reacted sadly that she did not tell me on purpose as I got into another state for NIT, she was saying like okay koi jarurat nahi lagi tuje batane ki etc.
2 days later, she started to behave with no fuck attitude, I confronted that behaviour and she suddenly said I am not happy with you, tu chla jaa meri life se. Since she was brain patient and egoistic child, I thought she just got a mood swing and I kept asking for reasons like what happened etc, but only thing she has to say tu meri pareshani ka reason ha and blocked me on whatsapp.
I kept trying, after 2 days she unblocked me and said my parents are very unhappy with you, they hate you (her parent knew everything about us, atleast mother did know, she also knew we kissed in their home 2 months back, we were caught and she was really scolded too much but there was not breakup that time). She said you don't respect my parents (3 months ago, once I said to her, 'Yrr tumari maa kya aurat ha', she found it so disrespectful that she straight up blocked me, I kept saying sorry, tried her alternate number with my alternate numbers, so finally after 1 week everything solved, (I also talked with her mother and said sorry) and she told me to come home in July before leaving city for college).
Now she was saying ki tune mere parents ki disrespect kari thi and I said it was 3 months ago, we got everything resolved, I even said sorry to your mother and I even came to your house and we both kissed and all and now you are saying this, but she kept saying ki disrespect purani ho ya new koi frk nahi pdta and she blocked me again. Then I called her on phone and her mother scolded me that if I called again she will tell my parents (My parents dont even have a clue that I am doing this all). Then she texted me on whatsapp:
Kitna madarchod insan ha tu, suar insaan, aatank kar rha ha,
Tu mar kyu nahi jaata, meri life se chala ja.
So she blocked me after saying this, I did not mind those abuse because I was so much in love with her, I still kept trying on telegram and the result was same she always said leave me etc, I tried every way not there was no number or method which I can use to contact her.
After 3 months, she messaged me suddenly saying, ki tu thk ha na muje sapna aaya tuje kuch hogya ha and I desperately replied her ki without you I was so in bad condition etc then we talked and got back together.
Everything was going fine for 2 months, she again left with mood swings (she never accept this, she always bring past that you disrespected my parents etc, she distance me because of UPSC, she think if she wont talk with me then she will clear UPSC but she does not state it but I know it).
After 2 months, in May 2025, my semester break she came again with the same thing ki tu thk ha ya nahi etc, everything was going fine.
Then in June, she told me that a guy(lets call him A) proposed her and she said ki ek din me baat krne se pyrr kese hogya and she said to me that I blocked her. Things got messy, she again blocked me in last week of June. The she again unblocked me in october with same thing that I got a dream you were married to another girl, I cried so much. Blocked me again in october.
Unblocked in December, suddenly planned a meet, I was so excited that I was about to meet her after almost 1.5 year, planned earrings, cards for her, clicked a lot of photos at her home.
Blocked me again in January, this time the reason was I was asking assignments from a girl (classmate, I knew her from 1st year, I never talked to any girl in my college offline, she was the first girl which I messaged between July-November). I sent her the whole recording of chat, the chat only contained message like ki ye waala assignment bhej do (from both side). The chat lasted till november as the semester was ended in november, there was no off-topic message except requesting assignment, I never even asked 'how are you' to that girl, she was not convinced and blocked me. Her sister talked to me, I proved her by sending the couple photo of that girl with her bf so everything was clear.
This time, I joined gym as well (Feb 2026), thinking that I will upgrade myself first then I will message her and will ask for sorry that I did not tell about this girl to her (I felt that interaction so normal that I did not find a need to tell this to her) but fine.
But on march (on the day of her birthday, at 12 AM), I wished her with my friend phone, she said thank you and blocked that number instantly. In afternoon, I tried her second number and she picked the call and okay I somehow convinced her to talk, so I asked I proved etc ... and she kept saying idc you lied to me etc, then after some time she said ki mere papa ne meri shaadi tey kar di ha and I was shocked, I knew she is just saying this to avoid me, so I kept asking the name of guy, she was not telling me but I kept forcing her and then she said that A's name. My memory is strong, so I quickly confronted her that's the same guy who proposed you and she said yes he's the same guy, then I said ye bhen ka loda achanak se tumari life me or tumare papa ko kese psnd aagya.
I was not ready to accept this at all, but later when I kept talking to her, I realized that father was just the bahana, it was her who was talking to that guy since January (just after she blocked me). I cried so much and felt betrayed.
Same Night, I called her father, I kept saying how can you do that, I want to know about that guy who is that, but her father kept scolding me that its my daughter main kuch bhi karu.
He said, bss 4 saal hi toh hue ha, dost the bhul jao usko kya hi ho jyega. I argued for 10 mins, relalized it was waste so I end the call.
I cried and panicked so much, I was in the hostel that time, only my roommate know this, as my friends from college are not that much close to me, so I nvr told them about my rel.
I kept trying to contact her again for explanation but she did not talk to me after that, I somehow convinced her lil sis to talk to me, I asked her everything, she was also not telling probably because they did not want to accept that my gf has made a new bf. I somehow made her to send me her call history with that guy, and I found that they were talking since August 2025. I instantly cried so much and panicked, I almost thought I died that moment.
Its been 2 months almost, and I still can not process this all.
I messaged her sis again, saying how can she do that to me, she was talking with someone since that time and did not even tell me? And she even invited me to her home in december?
I said I wish it is a dream and when I wake up, everything became normal but it was the fucking reality.
My heart feels so heavy, I am a first class developer, I have to work on a SaaS, I came to home after 5 months in summer vacation thinking that I will complete my SaaS and will try to forget her but I can not, she always come in my mind from morning to night. I go to gym, she still does not leave my mind, every exercise I do I just keep remembering her, even when I try to code, my heart feels heavy after remembering her that how she can do that.
I am more tensed about her than myself. what if the new guy is play boy and leave her after using her? What is he break up with her and gives her mental trauma? I cant see her in pain and suffering. I am so much panicked about this. I want her to be happy, she left me bcz she was not happy with me okay, I accept this but would the new guy make her happy (the guy who just proposed her the same day they met? This is pure chaprigiri and I know she will regret her as she prioritised a temporary attachment over 4 year rel).
My heart is so heavy writing this post, I never wanted to post this because I dont want anyone to know about my sufferings, I dont have any friends in my hometown so I am alone here, I am not friendly with any of siblings and my family. I am stucked. I get weight on my chest and emptiness on stomach whenever she comes to my mind.
I want to move on from this trauma, I dont want any girl from now on, I just want to build my own business so I can give everything to my parents and family.
Please help me, the post is long I know but It is really what is it, I am so much in stress rn.