Warning: Explicit Langauge
My boyfriend (28M) and I (30F) have been together for almost 4 years and have had sex maybe like 10-20 times in the span of our relationship.. none to completion.
When we started dating he had been with about 2 other women.. so he was fairly inexperienced. Our first three months were great.. honeymoon stage and all.. We would make out and kind of fool around but no sex. Just kind of touching and grinding a bit. It was hot and steamy but I really wanted to wait for at least three months before having sex bc I had been used for sex in the past so I thought waiting would help me see if he actually liked me or not...
In a horny attempt to not have sex.. I asked if he wanted to watch porn and jerk off next to each other.. I'd never done this before with anyone and thought it would be something fun to try together and he LOVED the idea. I thought maybe he just really liked that I was being a little wild and fun and freaky.. (idk lol)
After waiting like threeish months, a little less than three months TBH, we tried to have sex.. and everything was going great until like maybe a minute in.. he lost it.. Immediately I thought I was the problem and he reassured me and said it was not my fault, he was just nervous bc he hadn't been with a lot of women before and I believed him. We tried to have sex a couple times after and the same thing would happen.. now it was really getting to me. I asked him if this had ever happened to him before and he said yes, he even told me a story about how he made a girl cry bc he couldn't get it up for her. And I just thought wow that must suck for her.. But still chucked it up to him being inexperienced and nervous.
Over the span of the year this was kind of happening.. and it kept making me more and more insecure.. which made me feel like maybe he was having sex with someone else and so I started checking his IG following and realized he followed MAJORITY girls and so I did what any girl would do and checked if he liked any of their pictures and YUP, always liked bikini and provocative pictures.. I went a little crazy on him TBH.. Long story short, I asked him to unfollow girls and stop liking pictures.. he said I was being crazy and a stalker and that I needed to stop being invasive and he unfollowed like 10 people and said he was gonna keep unfollowing people periodically and I was like fine i'll give you the benefit of the doubt.. But that didn't happen.. While we were still having our sex issues this also didn't stop..
One day while we had another failed attempt at having sex he started jacking off and asked if he could just look at my body while he jerked off. I said sure.. and he started telling me to look at him and say dirty things to him.. but I just couldn't get in the mood bc I knew I was not getting anything out of it.. He didn't know how to finger me (didn't even try TBH) and he never wanted to try any position that wasn't me on my back or me on top of him...
One day while this was happening.. I asked him how many times he watched porn a week and he said about 5 and I was like WHAT? and I asked him if he was a porn addict and he said no.. but everything IMMEDIATELY clicked for me.
I asked him to get help and he keeps saying no.. He confessed he's done this since he can remember and he also mentioned that his older brother used to watch porn and jerk off in the same room as him everyday when he was a kid so he thought it was a normal thing.
He didn't get help and I really wanted to make things work so I asked him if he would let me have sex with someone else if he got to watch and he said that I was crazy and disrespectful for even asking that and that he was no cuck.
It got to the point where he never tries to initiate sex with me.. I've slept naked next to him and thrusted my ass against him, I've given him random head, and he claims he didn't know I was trying to initiate sex ever.. And when I try him these are the things I'm doing to initiate sex, he says he thought I was just playing around a bit.
He continues to like thirst traps on IG and obviously isn't going to therapy.
I asked him one last time to get therapy and he told me maybe I should get therapy bc I'm crazy.
To be fair, I know I have not been nice to him over the span of our situation and definitely have had my fair share of harsh words. He has slowly disgusted me and being touched by him now repulses me bc I can't help but think of him being a porn addict.. but also knowing that it never leads to anything really upsets me and its really messed with my mental health and my body image.
I have even considered cheating on him.. But I can't get myself to do it.
I am feeling so sad and defeated and I feel like I've wasted so much time with him and I know that I need to break up with him but I'm having such a hard time.
I'd love to hear peoples thoughts.. Like he keeps telling me I'm crazy and invasive but idk if I am.
I am SO sexually frustrated. I almost wish I would have just gotten used for sex again lol
Any advice from people who have had any similar experience would be great. I'm just feeling to lost and confused.
He claims he still loves me and doesn't wanna break up but I say if he loved me he would get help bc I don't want to be with someone that I can't have sex with.. But is that shallow of me? idk. Should sex be this important to me?