(I apologise in advance for the long story.)
I am a 22 year old young woman. Who’s very confused.
My whole life. And I mean it. My whole life I’ve had this feeling that something wasn’t right, and that I had been sexually abused. It has always been in the back of my mind. My childhood was rough, and I don’t remember much. My dad was never really there, but when he was he was verbally and physically abusive. He multiple times beat my older brother, and choked him. And if I tried to interfere, my dad would yell, that I would be next.
My dad never did physical violence towards me, but a lot of verbally and mentally instead. But that could also shift, and sometimes I would be his little princess.
My brother of course, was deeply affected by the abuse. And turned abusive himself, I can’t even count how many times he has hit/beaten me or threatened me as a child/teenager/ and adult. He bullied me a lot too, causing me to develop anorexia at the age of 9, and later self harm at the age of 11/12 years old. It was rough, and my mother gave all the attention to my brother, and I was left behind to deal with my own shit, and grow up very early.
But back to the actual question. As a child I was hyper sexual, I started masturbating at the age of 6 years old because two of my friends showed me how. And I did it constantly. I had fantasies at that age to get raped.. or kidnapped. And wanted to be with every man I saw. I WAS 6!
But even though, I was afraid of sex.. I could cry at the thought of it, I thought it ruined everything. I also quite early on got male attention, my first memory is in 1st grade. My math teacher had a weird obsession with me, always kinda smirking at me, always asked me questions, and he favoured me a lot. And I remember feeling uncomfortable. A situation that has stood out to me ever since, was. We would get these short 10-15 minutes breaks during class. And I remember he said that everyone should leave class. Except for me. And I still remember his face, how he looked at me. And how my stomach dropped. I don’t remember more. All I remember is lying to my mom, when telling her the story. I remember saying that a girl from class, also was staying the 10-15 minutes, because I didn’t want her to know, and worry - because so much was already happening at home, and I was afraid I would get in trouble. (Kinda the felling that. “If you tell anyone, you’ll be in trouble”) WHAT? What didn’t I want her to know?? I don’t get it?
Other than that I’ve my whole life experienced nightmares about sexual abuse.. from a family member/teacher or any person of authority close to me. But often my dad.
A childhood song from a Christmas show, made me cry and scream. Because I hated it so much, it was an innocent song, a man singing about the girl in the show, that she was his princess, and that they had a secret the two of them, and that she smelled so nice and sweet. And soon she would get a visit from the man in red (Santa Claus). I haven’t been able to listen to that song ever. And I don’t know why, it makes me so ill and sad.
Also I would always cover the keyhole with something, when showering and going to the toilet. Because I was afraid someone would look through. I also would scream and cry, if my brother/dad came into my room. Begging them to leave, because I felt so uncomfortable, my skin crawled.
I would also always look for cameras in my room before changing, afraid someone was taping me. I would feel uncomfortable when my dad hugged me, wanting to get away. And I remember crying and begging my mom to not tell my dad I had gotten my period, because then I wasn’t his pure little princess anymore. (I have lost my value/his interest) There’s also sometimes when I’m in a place or situation, it’s like I suddenly remember things, and then I start to panic. But I always stop it, because deep down I don’t know if I’m ready to know. My memories from my past are very distorted, and blurry.
I have taken notice later on in my life, that i dissociate ALOT. When something traumatic happens I “forget” it almost instantly. And I can’t hardly remember shit.
And that’s just some of it. There’s a whole lot more, I just thought these were the most important. But yeah, I hope you can make some sense of it, I’m really sorry if it doesn’t make any sense. And also sorry if the English is bad sometimes, English is not my first language.
But anyways, if you made it this far. Thank you very much. And if anyone can help, or have an idea or something, I would be happy to hear.