u/Aestyi

Hello guys! before i start this, let me say english is not my first language but ill try to make it all understandable i also wanna add sum of the backstory. Me (23F) and my currently ex bsf (21F) had been childhood friends since we were around 14 and 12 we’ve been through a lot but the biggest problem started when i was at the time 19 and just ended an abusive relationship after 3 years. So me and my bsf at that time made plans to see each other on a winter break which takes 2 weeks in our country, she was about to come to my house since she moved out with her family, everything was great when she arrived but after the first week her mom texted me one night can i tell her to come home, to which i was confused cuz she told me and my parents that her family had no problem in her staying for those two weeks, I asked if something happened since she was supposed to stay for the whole winter break? To which her mom responded with „she was supposed to stay for a week”. I talked this out with my bsf and she was fuming that her mother reached out to me, i knew she had hard time with her mom but that just made it worst. Basically she and her mom argued back and forth about it and her mother said that she dont want to see her ever again and to dont bother coming home, To make it short i begged my parents to dont make her stay on the street and we let her stay with us with her promises being like „ill find a job, i wont stay long” yeah, now that i write that i feel stupid, she was living with me in the same room for next 1,5 year. I thought at first that its so cool to live with my bsf since i have her close, but when she was here for around 1 year the problems started to get out of control, I struggle with BPD and hard depressive episodes that can lead me to not leaving my room for months to which she knew about since we were kids, at first she was very supportive although i understand its exhausting for close to me people to help me do basic things like getting out of bed or motivate me to go shower she started to throw tantrums at me for not going on a meetups with our other friends how i was leaving her knowing she wont talk to them as much as she does to me cuz in her words „i understood her like nobody”. Even tho it was hard for me and i wanted to avoid any arguments between us i still went to shower put makeup on and a happy face to go with her whenever she pleased. After many times of her tantrums i couldnt just force myself everytime and finally had enough of this we had an argument in which i screamed once that she don’t understand how it feels to not be able to stand up from bed no matter how much i wanna i just cant, she started crying and moved out to my step brother room (he isnt living with us but when he was visiting this room was waiting for him) she texted our friends saying how i blew up on her, had an episode and other rude stuff, to which sum of them didn’t believe since ive been in therapy for many years and i do not blow up on people „just like that”. So yeah arguments started, She started acting „like me” which to be exact was not bringing down the dishes after dinner and collecting them in her room till there was mold in her words she wanted to show me how it feels to see somebody u love struggle. The final blow happened maybe 3 months after the arguments started to be on daily basis, i found out she was texting and hanging out with my abusive ex that was threatening and stalking me after the breakup. I was shocked since she knew what horrible things he did to me during our relationship and what a bad person he was to any female he got his hands on, well yeah she was flirting with him, they met for hookups (he lived 10 minutes away from us) after i found out i packed her stuff that she first came to me with and threw them out, sent her a message since she wasnt home that i no longer want to see her and idc where she will live or what happens with her at all, i locked my house door and sat on the balcony with my mom bawling my eyes out. Just like that i havent seen her for a while i heard from my friends that they were together and lasted maybe a 3 months before i got message from her apologizing and saying i was right and he did those stuff to her aswell. As much as i want to say i didnt forgive her i did cuz i am a VERY forgiving person and thats how i put myself into hell again. Probably many of you know the game valorant and what kind of people r there, yeah i knew she was the type of girl that LOVE male attention and will basically do anything for it, she met there lots and lots of guys from different countries got from them free skins or attention but as fast as she saw better options she was collecting them, and as many times as i told her to not get into a new relationship and to give herself time to heal she just wasnt having it the best “healing” option was another guy willing to give her his time. Many times she targeted my male friends i made in that game since we were both gamers and i lost couple of them because of her using them, no matter how many times i apologized for her actions i decided its best to keep my online friends circle away from her which led to her starting to be more possessive of me, whenever we played together she called me her gf saying i belong to her and nobody should talk to me. After sum time of being single she proposed to me the idea of getting me a tinder at first for fun, i found there my second relationship and thats where things got even worst, the beginning was just horrible she was acting like this guy was stealing me from her i often received messages from her saying i abandoned her for him and he will be my first now in everything, no matter how many times i tried to reassure her she just wasn’t believing none of what i said, Even tho she was the one declining our meetups or just any gaming sessions for new “val guy”. Somehow my relationship with that tinder guy lasted for almost a year and we ended up having a bit messy breakup so i thought she would find a time for me to be a beat friend and support me in that hard time, at first she was happy i asked her to come visit me for a new year, yeah she ended up playing on my pc with her back then boyfriend, and going with me to see the fireworks for maybe 10 minutes to say happy new year you’re always be my best friend. After she left we were playing with her boyfriend that i knew and he was really a good person, but one night he texted me on discord saying he has a feeling my bsf is cheating on him, tbh i wasnt suprised if he would be another victim of hers so i said to him that ill talk with her and told him the backstory of her dating life since i felt genuine guilt since he seemed like a amazing guy and i couldn’t stand it anymore always protecting her and standing by her side no matter what she did. Came out she was really cheating on him with another guy from VALORANT, i was so pissed at her i said either u explain it all to me or its done, she promised she will call me the same night, but as the night was here there was no call no text no nothing, i only realized she blocked me everywhere and every single friend of ours. After months of trying to find any way to contact her i gave up, time passed i realized she left me at my LOWEST after i was freshly after breakup begging for her support i decided i wont forgive her as she will comeback cuz i knew she will, she was way too possessive about me and always tried to guilt trip me into forgiving her. I was right she did text me after sum months saying how she moved out to australia to the val guy she was cheating with how abusive she was just any bs she could come up with. My friends begged me to not gave in this manipulation and i didn’t, i texted her that there was too many times i had to protect her from everyone how i was waiting for her for hours cuz she promised she will call me and left me on read cuz she was busy playing valorant with sum random, i said theres no more us and i thanked her for everything we’ve been through, she responded apologizing saying she will wait for me no matter what. And i am here rn asking if i am bad person of letting her go cuz since then i feel like someone just ripped a huge part of me, she was trully my best friend, my sister, and i felt like she was my soulmate. I catch myself sometimes missing her and wondering how is she doing if she miss me the way i miss her, but then i press on her ig profile see everytime different name of a guy in a heart and think that maybe i was never really considered a best friend for her and she never meant saying ill always be her number 1 cuz shes still chasing after random guys, changing them like socks. I wasn’t perfect myself but i always found time for her and always put her higher than any of my online or real friends. Now i am happier yes but i still feel like a part of me is missing and ill never find myself calling another girl friend of mine a best friend cuz im scared of getting hurt like that again. She still reaches out to me with random updates about her life but i always leave her on read, and yes i am in therapy talking about her and how this whole relationship affected my point of view on friendships and how hard it is now for me to make any new friend.