Hi guys. I'm 24 FTM and as I said in the title I regret coming out.
My situation is this: I can't take testosterone for medical reasons and my transition is not taken seriously by anyone.
I'm waiting to get top surgery and a partial hysterectomy in the next few months with public healthcare (I'm Italian), and in the meantime, my way of looking masculine only consists in clothes and hair.
I have a ridiculous baby face, and I either pass as a 14 years old boy or a masculine teenage girl, and it's making me insane.
My family treats my situation as a phase, and my lifelong friends often missgender me by accident.
I'm unable to socialize with people my age because I literally look like a kid, and with time I'm getting progressively lonely.
Every time those things happen my disphoria gets worse than when I was in the closet.
When I was living as a woman, I used to feel like I was wearing a mask and interpreting a character, but at least I felt safe from the world and the judgement. I had a social life consistent with my age and life path, I had romance, I was charismatic. Now I'm vulnerable and constantly frown upon. My quality of life drastically decreased. Things like getting a job and making errands are possible only by "girl-moding"
From a disphoria stand point, I can't wait for my surgery, but from a realistic view of how my life looks now, I'm not a functioning human anymore.
I'm being myself, but myself is not tailored for this world.