Just letting it out
Trigger warning: Domestic Violence, Suicide, depression.
Thursday my husband choked me and pulled my hair and I still protected him. I said that i didnt feel my wind pipe close. It did. This all started with me trying to get support from him after i felt like our family therapist wasnt listening to me. Every time i stand up for myself he gets angry and screams. He is the only one allowed to throw things and scream. Everyone it feels like is on his side. I don't want this marriage and I don't want that type of violence around our daughter. Its not fair to her.
I did start therapy. Its my apartment, its under my name. He is currently in jail because he violated a court ordered protective order for me and our daughter. He was warned he wouldn't get out the next time and his brother is trying to get him out. He asked my dad who said no, and I'm not getting him out. We have the money but I'm not doing it. He needs to learn his lesson. He will have no job and honestly he can take half the tax money and go get an apartment and just leave us. I didn't think it would escalate so far but it did, he did all of this in front of our 8 month old daughter. He keeps saying it's my fault, because I pushed him but he left and came back for round 3 and wouldn't stop screaming at me. We have never been this bad but its to the point that I'm actually scared for my life. I'm lucky the neighbors called when they did. I have suspicions he has been cheating on me and honestly they can have him. I don't want him. I'm getting my ducks in a row and I plan on fighting for full custody of our daughter.
I'm dreading tomorrow because I know CPS will call me. It will be blamed on me because I let him back in. Im scared I will lose my daughter. She was my miracle baby. I dont see my therapist until Tuesday. I'm pretending to be okay at work. I'm not okay, and I can't get time off because I'm on probation and only have so many hours. I'm almost out or hours. The apartment is a mess, I'm trying to get everything clean. 😩 I'm just drowning and I'm scared. I did try to take my life but I couldnt do it because of my daughter. She needs me. I started to hurt myself again and I hate all of this about me. I need to be present for my Peanut.