CONTEXT

My BF, 19M has never had any female relationships platonically and romantically after 8th grade(other than his family) to add on to that he lost all of his friends and remained absolutely isolated from the world— No friends, no social media all through-out high school. He was so depressed because even his own family did not talk to him.

I (F17) kept many deep friendships and I had 2 relationships between 7th grade and 9th grade. My 1st boyfriend was of a week and we remained very messy, I was so weak I spread rumors of myself as the bad guy rather than him. I was forced into a 2nd relationship with a guy I only met half a day and dated him for 3 months until I decided it just wouldn’t work as stereotypically he’s the extroverted athlete (10th grade) and I was the cringey loud 9th grader. Neither of my friends has had relationships before and I don’t have a strong relationship with my mom other than surface level small talks.

PROBLEM

He has many issues as I do, but in the beginning I was so patient and I would always be emotionally intelligent and just sit there, asking questions such as: “Did you do this act (that meant breaking up) to see if I would care? Because I truly do and I love you but it’s not mature of us to do that.”

I need to be loved loudly, I wish that he would just be vulnerable and stop repressing everything yet when he’s emotional like I wanted, he’s blinded by nothing but his “woman are hoe’s way” which I’ve been trying to get his mindset out of because it works both ways but the only way that matters is that YOU know who I actually am.

My problem is that now that he’s actually ‘changing’… he’s changing a year late in the relationship and I really was just so ready to end everything and leave but that was the only time he even showed he cared about my absence but look, right before I was trying to break up with him he genuinely just cut me off and everything: “I do NOT like you anymore” after I told him I was having commitment issues because at the beginning of our relationship I was going to just be celibate/single forever and I told him that so much. That conversation was set right after months and MONTHS basically our entire relationship of on and off arguing and then some very intimate moments. I wasn’t cheating or anything I was just honestly speaking that I wanted a beautiful marriage life together but being a single lady (which is so empowering to me and was my goal) sounded so much easier and beneficial.

After he broke up with me just like that, I begged. Oh I really texted the man paragraphs upon paragraphs like Hamilton no exaggeration. I called 80 times throughout the SCHOOL day, I even called and texted on TextNow ++ I really just wanted to make it work so bad. We got back together after that and I was happy— briefly. Because my friend said to me during that time (since i thought it was officially over I told my friend what had happened 3 days after the incident), “[OP], do you even remember who you were like before him?” After that I realized maybe it is better to leave because I use to be an inspiration and a an idol of empowerment with just yourself.

I really want things to work out with this handsome boy, we were happy after our anniversary (Which was after he broke up with me, then I tried breaking up a bit after he tried breaking it off with me and before our anniversary that’s the timeline.) But being with him made me toxic.

I’m selfish and I’m intoxicated with nothing but greed, I want more of him and I’m forcing him to change entirely instead of leaving him exactly who he is because someone out there wants a guy as this… Not me. He says he wants to change so I tell him: Do Not Give me Space, I overthink and your silence will answer everything you don’t want it to answer. Have more regard towards my feelings when you act alone, he acts carelessly like choosing to give a choco treat to my friend instead of me (It was for his brother the treat and I asked for it before knowing that. He gave it to my friend because he rather please strangers than his own girlfriend.) Argue with me do not go silent, I wasn’t always like this but everytime I would tell him something that was upsetting me he would go silent and say, “Idk what to say.” monotone. His monotone voice began to infuriate me and say thee most nastiest, (but true never wrong still not necessary for me to say though) insults which makes him shut down more.

He asks for what he needs to change yet never does it at-least not in time in order for my feelings to have bene gone now. I want him so bad because I could list out his flaws and how cruel he’s made me but when I think of him there’s only intimate moments that are irreplaceable— You would have to live through these moments of our soul intertwining
because he’s incredibly unique for me only and it’s clear. I just wish we had more experience and met as adults.