For context, I (16F) have been with my boyfriend (16M) for around 2 and a half months now. We started off as decently acquainted friends, but he had feelings for me so we ended up getting together around february. During this time, I just got over the last guy I had talked to and had also gotten on new meds (which kept switching). I told him I’ve had extremely bad experiences with every guy I’ve ever talked to/been with and that I’m not good at relationships, nor am I confident in my ability to be able to be in a relationship. We both understood this and still pursued the relationship.
He’s been great, and he’s a very kind person who is a good family guy and is also respectful of my physical boundaries and mental struggles. He’s very respectful and caring and we have our own lives. But, in that same breath, I feel extremely suffocated and sick in this relationship. Because he is very loving, and he reiterates that day after day, but I don’t reciprocate that. Physical touch isn’t my favorite thing in the world due to my past experiences, and I tend to only be slightly more comfortable with it with other girls.
He, on the other hand, is a very physically affectionate person. Because of this, I try and make compromises as I know that I can’t just push his affection away because of my own discomfort, but it just feels like physical intimiacy is all tht we have. We used to have decent conversations, but now (even though we’re both pretty busy) we don’t even have conversations. We talk every now and then, but it just feels empty and devoid of any emotion.
I honestly believe that majority of this issue is on my part, but I also don’t know what to do about that anymore. Whenever we hang out, all he does is cuddle up on me and kiss me a whole lot and watch reels, shows, or just sit there in silence. And it’s like nothing else happens except for that. I understand that we rarely get to hang out as I am extremely busy, but it just feels so empty, especially with the fact that I am more of a quality time kind of person and less physically affectionate. I feel so uncomfortable as of late, as I communicated my discomfort with touch more recently, but it feels like he’s more touchy, even at school. Apologies for the story being all over the place, but he also struggles with ADHD, so I know most of this is out of his control. But everytime i try and at least speak to him while we’re cuddling, he just doesn’t speak or want to speak. We lay for hours and that’s it unless we decide to watch a show or reels. He is always on his phone and it’s like he never really listens to me or like he’s just somewhere else completely. When we’re in our only class together, he doesn’t ever really pay me any attention, and to me, it starts feeling like he only really pays attention when he gets to touch me in any kind of way.
And I feel terrible about the fact that I can’t fully accommodate to that because of my own hesitancy towards physical affection. But it’s genuinely like he’s only present when he gets to touch me. But he says all this stuff about how he’s never felt this way about anyone before and how he loves me so much that I’m all that he can think about, and I just feel sick. He’s such a good person, but this relationship has. been so detrimental to my wellbeing and I constantly wished for any other out just to take me out of this relationship and current situation.
My mother loves this guy as he’s the only one who’s ever treated me this way, but I feel physically sick to my stomach whenever he’s brought up and I feel like throwing up. She is always talking about him, and it’s like we never even get time with each other anymore without him being brought up 24/7. When i try and tell her about my discomfort or about how I want to breakup, it ruins her entire mood for the rest of the day and I can’t even enjoy time with her after that. (So much to this story, but I also am bisexual and I live in an extremely catholic family, so she likes saying that it’s my friends’ influence and ‘lgbt’ influence that’s making me this way, as well as my meds which have now been stopped because of my supposed apathy.) To me, it feels like I’m in a one-sided relationship that is affecting the both of us as I can’t reciprocate the things he feels.
Sometimes it feels like all this is infatuation or love that is stepping into obsessive or unhealthy territory as it’s becoming detrimental to him as well, and I don’t mean to invalidate the way he feels as I don’t truly know the extent of his feelings, this is just how it feels to me. I don’t want me to be the center of his life and I don’t want to be the only thought in his mind 24/7. I am not a good girlfriend, and I am not in the right state to be in a committed relationship right now. We are opposites in that way as he seeks commitment, which is something I can’t give him. It is so unfair to him that I keep him in a loveless relationship where he gives me so much, while I can’t even give him like half as much.
I want him to find someone who can reciprocate that and treat him the way he deserves, but my mother just tells me that I need to make this work because he’s a ‘good one’. Let me reiterate that I know he’s good, and I know that he’s caring and respectful. But I do not want this to work out, I do not want to be with him. I feel uncomfortable and unhappy in this relationship, and I just feel drained and tired and stressed even though he doesn’t ask for much. I don’t know what to do. I‘m stitll with hinm for his sake and my mother’s as she’s constantly getting upset with me for wanting to breakup with him, so I keep trying and giving chances for change. But it feels unfair to him and to myself. Even if he loves me with all my flaws, it is unfair to him. AITAH for wanting to breakup with him and for not wanting things to work out between us? Sorry for the story being a little bit all over the place, I understand that I contradict myself a lot in this.