u/Adventurous-Job-3894

I have been seriously considering leaving my husband but I feel like there are too many road blocks. One being that he has no idea how unhappy I am. For about 15 years I've been pretending to be happy just so the family doesn't fall apart. He is investing all his time and energy into making sure our family is financially stable, he works like a horse, but he has lost me in the process. I help him with the business and he completely relies on me for managing his website, social media, and for general help. I gave up my job during covid to be his full time assistant. He would be lost without me and divorce would potentially ruin us financially (most of our assets are very debt heavy and not fluid). He adores me but he has a temper stemming from work stress as well as childhood trauma. I married him in 2003 and we have two young adult children, both of whom feel similarly about him. We all have to walk on eggshells, he has severe mood changes and it is extremely stressful constantly having to adjust to his current mood. My nervous system is a wreck to the point that I developed severe spinal disc herniation and have frequent flair ups. I also have recurring UTIs that I think is my body rebelling against intimacy. I am on high alert when he is around and feel my bodyf relaxing when he leaves the house. I hear the garage door open and I tense up. I have ongoing inner monologues about how much I can't stand him and how peaceful my life would be without him . I flip him off when he's not looking. On top of everything, I have been struggling with home sickness for my country and I feel like every day I am not there is a day wasted and gone. I feel tremendous resentment toward him. I just spent a few weeks back in my country and I found myself not thinking about him AT ALL. This all scares me so much because I think he truly loves me and tells me how pretty and beautiful I am to him but at the same time he is often mean, hurtful, and unpredictable. He is manipulative as well, gives me the silent treatment for days if I make a mistake, and when he is ready to have sex, he'll start acting normal again and expects me to snap back to normalcy. I am willing to walk away with the bare minimum so he doesn't collapse financially, all I need is an apartment in my home country (around $600/month) and some cushion. Life is a lot cheaper there. I would start working again in my profession and I feel like I could lead a peaceful life with all the weight off my shoulders. My kids? I have no idea how often I would see them being overseas, or how the family dynamics work once they get married and start having kids. So if you have experience navigating future family events, being around grandkids, I would appreciate any advice.