Actually, maybe that should read how do I help her navigate financial coersion....? Sigh.... it's all hard....
Backstory: Dad is a covert narcissist, liar, and highly avoidant. (Our marriage counselor and a later family counselor both identified him as I described, btw....it's not just me.) Dad got himself written out of (GGP)Great Grandpa’s will. Grandpa (GP) told us that our kids "college is covered" as a way of passing the inheritance to them, since Dad's avoidance of maintaining a relationship with GGP wasn’t their fault. GP told me once that Dad’s avoidance there “cost you millions. Plural.” Exact quote. Dad and I have since divorced (at GP’s suggestion and support of me and how damaging his son was), and now our second child is about to enter senior year of college.
She has not spoken to her Dad since 2022…. he lied to his GF big time, mostly about our daughter and me, and took a situation that was already not great between my kids and his new GF and made it 10 times worse. His avoidance, and lies followed them into family counseling (which I set up after our daughter begged him for months, but was not even allowed in the building for at GF's demand) and eventually, after a second counselor assured me that my daughter knew what she was doing at 16/17, she quit that counseling and cut her Dad off.
Our daughter had been soo negatively impacted my her Dad not standing up for her, not telling the truth, and letting his GF treat her so poorly (like not allowing my kids to be at their house, or around her granddaughter, who my daughter used to babysit, and giving her the silent treatment in front of other family that had to speak for my daughter to get an acknowledgement, plus telling her she’s dramatic, manipulative, accused her of having me write her texts, being controlling and that she and I masterminded a really awful thing that was actually my ex, lying to her about what happened to make himself the victim). They ganged up on my daughter in counseling, and the counselor said he had to stay neutral and not advocate for my daughter because these two adults would then not listen to him at all. Dad would not prioritize his daughter’s needs over his GF and had lied to her so much she refused to believe the truth, even when it was presented to her.
Dad’s lies have hurt my daughter sooooo much, and it was heartbreaking to watch her hope he’d step up, and instead he just let GF run over our daughter and also blamed her for the situation that he had actually caused. I begged him to do certain things, to reach out to her, to not give up on her, and nothing.
SO, now, after 4 years, GP is telling my daughter that he won’t pay for the last year of college unless she starts talking to Dad again….that it is disrespectful to him that she doesn’t speak to his son.
Dad was the problem with GGP that got him written out of the will. He was again the problem with my daughter. Now GP is pushing my daughter to just forgive him and open herself up to this liar or else she loses all financial support to complete college. Why doens’t Dad have any accountability here??? Oh…..he lies about whatever he needs to in order to be the victim.
Dad has lied to GP and GF about me such that GP stopped responding to me or talking to me at all suddenly several years ago. Despite many attempts on my part to ask for an opportunity to know, apologize for or repair whatever I may have done, he has ignored me, and grown more negative about me to my kids….which I can only think comes from whatever Dad and GF say….since I have had no interaction with him.
GP seemed to respect my daughter's position and in the past has only said that he would like her to think about re-opening that relationship. She has told him a barebones version of her side of the story, but he can be intimidating and she doesn’t know if he believes her, or what, though he seemed to be fairly neutral.
Obviously in asking this of her now, he doesn’t understand that he’s really using financial coercion as a means of controlling the situation instead of asking her Dad why he hasn’t done more to repair the relationship. She blocked his cell phone number, but he could have emailed, come to our house, written her letters, asked for her college address, gone through me or her brothers, and he has done NOTHING to repair the relationship. He just sends a gift card home with a brief impersonal note at the holidays when her brothers go visit.
My daughter now feels powerless and victimized again having Dad’s dishonestly put her in this place where he has no accountability but has the power to make or break her sense of security.
She would like me to step in somehow, and I feel that it would be appropriate, but I don’t know how, who I should try to talk to, since GP won’t answer my calls, Dad plays nice until it’s inconvenient, so I don’t trust him at all. Should I get a statement from her counselor as to why she cut off her Dad and give it to GP?
Help…. I feel rather powerless too…. and could really use some creative or at least effective ideas.... Thanks!