i don't want to be f@t
after 4 years I still can't let go of wanting to be sk*nny despite seeing what it has done to me. I loved the feeling of a defict, still do, shakiness, flat stomach no bloating and all and I hate being overly full. When I wanted to recover, I was told to stop restricting, and I did try to, but I genuinely thought I was so fat and when I stopped restricting, I could not control myself and went crazy around food.
I was binging all day everyday with maybe 1-2 days without binging and on the occasional binge free days I would restrict and tell myself I wasnt restricting. That was 2 year ago, and my binge eating disorder has gotten even worse. 4 doughnuts left me feeling nausous, wanting to throw up and feeling terrible both physically and mentally 2 years ago but now I could down 9 and still finish a few glasses of milk, bread, and anything remotely considered high calorie avalible in the house. Not only that, but 30 minutes later, after my stomach has stopped hurting I will go the kitchen and eat more. I used to cry and get upset, but now I feel nothing, it has literally become routinue. Trying to fight it and now binge would leave me feeling worse and I can't believe