So yeah, it all began when I had some questions about transgender people (I’m not transphobic, I’m just… confused). I asked them, but I didn’t really understand. When I wanted to ask more, they told me that as a cis person, I would never understand them because I don’t have gender dysphoria. Why do people always need suffering to understand and connect with others though?
Of course, I had gender dysphoria… When I was 3 in kindergarten, I thought I was not like other girls. I had more “boyish” interests. I asked other people to call me a boy, to use he/him pronouns. But is that really what I wanted? Those boys bullied girls, and I was also one of them, pranking girls. I don’t think it was a real self-identity.
It got better when I went to elementary school. I didn’t want to be seen as weak. I still hung out with boys, but I also made friends with girls. Somehow, I accepted that I was a girl. I wish I could at least feel proud of that. My math was always top 5 in the school you know, Chinese elementary math is harder than Canadian freshman math. Back then, being good at math was seen as something for boys, just like my other interests. I heard people call me a tomboy, and my mom’s coworkers said I was really smart, “just like boys.” I felt proud. (But it turns out it’s just genetics, my mom was a math genius 😭)
But being treated like a boy, and feeling my body change, still made me upset. I didn’t like my boobs they made me uncomfortable while playing soccer, and boys laughed at me. “Why couldn’t I be born as a boy? Then I could be normal.” I cried (because of my misogyny 😭) In middle school, the gender dysphoria got worse because trans boys would assume I was one of them. I wanted to correct them, but I also didn’t know if I was really a girl. Because if I am really a girl, then why would trans boys think I’m one of them? Why do grown men call me a “boy”? Why do people say, “I don’t know if that’s a boy or a girl”? Why do I like things that boys like? Why do I dislike my body? Does that mean I’m masculine? Does that mean I’m not weak? Should I thank them? I don’t know what I am.
Gender dysphoria still exists and affects me, but it got better once I got into feminism.