My husband and I have been together for 16 years. Married for 7. I’ve struggled with PCOS my whole life and though we weren’t actively “trying” (I.e. tracking ovulation strips and basal body temp), we weren’t preventing from getting pregnant the whole of our relationship. We’ve never had a positive pregnancy test.
In the last 4 months, we started actively trying the “real” way, and luckily without medical intervention. I just tested positive this past Monday. I had thought this whole time of trying, that this is what I really wanted. But now that it’s a very real reality (save for the risk of a chemical pregnancy or miscarriage), I’m absolutely terrified and honestly? Depressed.
I feel like I’m already mourning myself and don’t want to be treated differently. I have so much baggage and trauma I’ve worked on in the last two years related to my mom and family as a whole, that I thought I was ready. But I keep waffling and feeling like an imposter that this is “what I’m supposed to do.” I don’t just want to now be someone’s mom, I still want to be seen and treated as ME.
I’m struggling with not being accepted, with being a failure, with still feeling like being younger than I actually am (32). Instead of being excited to share the news (which I’ve had to this early because I work in the OR and can be around teratogenic chemicals), I feel embarrassed and full of shame. I did NOT expect to feel that way.
I think that because I truly don’t know what the future looks like, I’m so scared. I just want to know that I’m not alone. I also recognize that my hormones are probably betraying me, just can’t help but want to vent about it and seek some validation.
At its core, the fear feels like it comes from being pregnant and not actually being a parent, if that makes sense? It’s such a significant medical event and I’m so used to being in control of myself, the terror makes it debilitating. Plus, so many of our friends are childless by choice and I feel like we could lose them by becoming parents. (They’ve never made us feel that way, it’s just an irrational thought)
Is there anyone out there who has also experienced this level of fear and indecision, and when you came out on the other side was everything okay and you were truly happy?
I just want to know there’s a possibility of truly being happy after all of this because I only ever see the negative experiences and the people that regret it.