u/Adorable_Whereas_240

My colleague who is pregnant met with a very minor accident yesterday while she was going back from work and was cramping since last night which did not get better. We heard our manager talking about her having some spotting, but I just spoke with her husband and she is not having any bleeding she said.

They are going to get checked now and we are waiting in the office for an update. I really hope it is nothing significant and that her baby is fine and I hope she is fine. I don’t want anybody to go through that pain and I am here almost crying at my desk cause I al panicking.

Here is where I feel guilty. Looking at her and other pregnant colleagues did remind me constantly of my two miscarriages and made me think why can’t I be pregnant and carry my pregnancy smoothly like them. Maybe a bit envious too. I never actively wished for anything bad to happen though. We belong to a religion which believes in “nazar” or evil eye, and I am scared and guilty that my envy caused this. And if anything were to happen (I pray that it won’t) I will not forgive myself.

I really pray to whatever God is out there, please let her and her baby be ok!

Update: She is ok for now! Thank God

So after feeling kind of low the entire day yesterday, I woke up feeling good. Positive and hopeful. Had a healthy breakfast, healthy meals and just felt generally good about myself. Just sat in office, trying to get work done before deadlines, going my merry way.

After a long time now, I was actually able to push back the miscarriage grief into some corner of my mind by distracting myself. But no, fate or universe obviously can’t have it that way. Cause I go to pee, a random person from the office asks how my health is and I reply with an “I am okay, thank you”. Then she proceeds to ask “Which month is it now for you?”

So then I have to explain that I had a miscarriage and everything.

So now I am back to where I was, feeling horrible and miserable. Thinking how if everything had gone well, I could have been pregnant and told her that I am 4 months along.

But no, not only did I miscarry, but I also have constant reminders of it everywhere I go. A random pregnant lady on the street (like I said in the previous post, the amount has increased), pregnant coworkers and cousin, and now this- a colleague asking how my pregnancy is doing.

I just hate everything right now.

Idk if its just me, but the amount of pregnant women around me has been exponentially increasing ever since my first miscarriage.

If this one of those things where universe is trying to mock me and my failed body? Or rub salt on my already hurting wounds? Or what is it? Cause the constant reminders for 8-10 hours EVERY SINGLE DAY are sort of difficult to digest. No ill will towards the pregnant women though, my grief is none of their fault, neither is it any of their business.

But when am I gonna get my turn?