Guilt and shame over EVERYTHING
I need to know im not alone because its ruining my life. All I feel is shame over tiny little thing i do. My main ones that cause issues is eating and cleaning.
For eating I feel shame with every single drop of food i eat, not because of my weight or because I have issues with body image, its became I see it as shameful, stuffing my face with food when someone else could be eating it. Ive struggled with it since I was a kid but now its stuck in my head as this cycle of if I start eating normally will they judge? Will i be seen as greedy? I can't eat snacks infront of people. I hide them in my jacket and run up the stairs so nobody sees.
For cleaning, my bedroom is a bad mess. It was worse, maggots kind of bad. But now its bad but not as bad. Why? Because all I feel every time I clean is shame. So bad that It makes me sick, and to the point i become self-destructive. People will see me as disgusting and if I bring a plate down? Then im greedy and disgusting.
I know its not true. I know they'll be happy to see me eat and clean. But all I feel is shame. How the hell do I get rid of it? I want to be okay, be healthy. But why does my brain think being healthy means not been cared for anymore?