Bad sexual experience with my friend
Burner account. I (25F) have had a complicated romantic relationship with my best friend (31M). I’ll spare you the details, but for the sake of this post we’ll just say situationship. I want to preface this by saying that this man is the kindest most thoughtful and gentle man I’ve known.
Yesterday he was in a bad headspace, I told him he could come over and we sit together. The night was uneventful, with me finishing up some work and him just sitting on my bed on his phone. I finish up and we’re cuddling and this eventually escalates to sex.
Sorry that I’m about to be graphic, but I promise it’s relevant. In the past he’s finished without condoms or pulling out, we do occasionally dirty talk about having a breeding kink and often dabble with dom/sub dynamics. I did recently go off birth control for various reasons, so no finishing inside without protection anymore. Well he’s talking about finishing inside of me and I keep saying no you better not and he’s saying he will anyways. I feel a little uncomfortable but I know he’s just saying it to be sexy and I trust him. Well he says he’s about to cum and grabs me so I absolutely can’t move, holding my legs against him. He’s a fairly large man and I’m a very small woman, so I absolutely can’t move. I immediately panic screaming at him to get off me, which he does instantly. I do have a pretty extensive history of abuse and sexual assault. I started sobbing and he was apologizing profusely, holding me and saying he would never do that to me and he thought we were just role playing, he started crying as well.
I truly know he didn’t mean to upset me but I can’t shake the panic and violation in the moment, I’ve been crying on and off since it happened. I don’t know if I want advice or just to vent.