Background: I’m a 31 year old living in Tokyo with my husband. I have an odd cycle pattern where I go from short cycles of 27-28 days to 31-32 days to even 34-36 days. And it’s kind of a process that repeats itself. Because the latest I ever got was on day 37, I’ve always made a note of being ultra careful between like day 7-21. We got married 6 months ago, but our wedding ceremony was just a month ago. We come from fairly traditional families so we were hell bent on being careful at least until ceremony (this is considered the real deal in our cultures, not the legal document). Well, I was in my short cycle stage so on day 19, after wedding, I was like “okay the chances are pretty low and even if worst comes to worst, at least it won’t be scandalous”. So we had unprotected sex.
After that, I had this weird feeling the whole time that I fucked up really bad. I was aware of this the whole time. By the time day 28 rolled around, I was anxious for my period to start. Nothing came. But I knew it was too early to panic. Took a 6 days sooner test. It was negative. So I kinda waited around. On day 30 I saw a bit of brownish/pinkish discharge and I became hopeful. Usually I get some spotting for a few days before the full blown bleeding. Nothing came. By day 35 I was freaking out. I took another test. It was just a faint shadow but I was like that’s just an evaporation line. Day 36, I fairly confidently took another test expecting negative….lo and behold…a faint purple line begins appearing next to the control line. From that point onwards I haven’t been the same. I feel like I am no longer me. Today I took another test…the second line this time was still faint but stronger than yesterday.
I told my mom, my husbands mom too. They are overjoyed. And I have been super curious and wanted to experience childbirth and neonates for a long time, but I always saw it like…just a curiosity that I should probably satisfy by being a midwife or something. Not actually create and be responsible for a whole ass life. I’m freaking out about all the changes I have to make to my life and it makes me feel so foreign the whole time. My mom supports abortion if I choose that but MIL doesn’t even consider that an option. She believes we are totally financially ready. We probably are. But I’m in the middle of my PhD. And I know my decision shouldn’t be based on what others think. But a part of me wants to experience the change and is excited for it, but there’s another part that’s also freaking out about the change and not ready to let go of drinking, late nights with friends, eating like a college kid…Is it normal to feel this way? Anyone else with experiences of unplanned pregnancy and in a similar point in life, how did you cope with it?