Me (m22) and my partner (m21) of four years went out drinking and came back to our place, where we had great intimite time, during that I told him I wish to top him and he said he would find a guy for me to top.
(for context - he only tops and the feeling of having something in him physicaly hurts him and makes him uncomfortable, but I told him multiple times i wanna top him).
That made me extra aroused, I continued and said I would love to find a guy who would help me give him a blowjob. My partner seemed unsure, but I think not because he doesnt want to ,but because he didnt want to "hurt" me and it isn't "right" in his mind. I kept talking about it and in the end he asked if I would like that and added he would let me give him a blowjob with another guy if I wanted it. Then he told me if I would like another top who would have his way with me at the same time as him. To which I answered I'm unsure (as to not hurt his feelings), yet he insisted that he knows I deeply want it and that I deserve to get railed by him and another top. In the morning we said to each other we didnt really mean it, but honestly... I'm not sure.
Since that I have to keep thinking about it and masturbate to the thought of my partner doing sexual acts with someome else and me joining the other guy to make him feel good or just letting them two do their thing while watching. I'm not poly and I dont like the thought of us sharing our romance and love with someone else, but sex and hornines yes. I read also something about compersion, which I deeply connected with. The fantasy of my partner receiving immense pleasure is arousing me, seeing his face and knowing he is being pleasured. Its not really even about the other person, its more about the pleasure my partner would receive, etc... my most wanted fantasy is seeing him get blowjob (which could be him with someone else or me joining the other guy). I'm not sure how to tell my partner especialy since he is huge on monogamy and is traditional when it comes to sex and partnership. I keep thinking it was just the alcohol and horniness that made him feel that way, but still. He also said few times in the past he understands if I sleep with someone else, because we are young. He holds himself on a strong traditional monogamious position where he is fully faithfull and respectful, but would let me do sexual acts and experiment with other people which makes me even more confused, because its an unusual dynamic. Maybe its the same way and he is also compersionist?
So long story short, I'm not sure. Thank you for reading and I would appreciate any help or tips <3