AITA for breaking up with my boyfriend for hosting a female friend?
My partner M42 Max 2.5 years and I F33 had a very peaceful, smooth relationship for the most part.
I'll give some background to give the conflict context.
I live in his country & speak his language, he doesn't speak english. I have travelled for 10 years while working online and living in different locations. He doesn't have a passport. I am away some months a year for visa reasons. After first 6 months we moved in together. The place was quite small and that caused some tensions at first. And usual partner squabbles about leaving dirty socks on the floor and not making a mess etc.
For me, those types of arguments create a chance to have a conversation and communicate around needs, need to feel seen, cared for, respected or need for space. Max lacking some experience thought an argument meant the end.
Gradually I taught him to open up about his feelings, and told him he should express to me his needs as well, I felt maybe he just accepted all my requests and needs without expressing his own and wanted to make him feel heard so tried to actively create times where we could each bring up anything on our mind.
Later he'd go on to tell me that through me he learnt to express himself, and set boundaries for himself like I'd told him to (well that came to bite me in the back lol).
A combination of practicality, me visiting my country for a few months, finance and his work, we now live separately just over a kilometer away.
Throughout the relationship I have travelled (but not nearly as much as I would have if I wasn't with him and as I used to) because I had to and think it also created healthy space in the relationship. I used to go salsa dancing daily & since our relationship almost completely stopped.
He has limited free time. One free day a week and shifts. So he would come to my place after work when possible and his days off we would do an outing. Usually he was tired so he'd come to my place and sleep all afternoon and then we'd have dinner and watch a series.
This became our routine and I began looking forward to his free days and afternoons so much because I felt happy with him. Max doesn't speak english, earns less than me, has never travelled, but all I knew was that he was peaceful, loving, listened to me, and cared about me. That for me seemed more important in a relationship than anything else and my health and anxiety have been better since being together.
I never suspected him of cheating, he had more reason to suspect of me with my travels & dancing but I always communicated super well, told him who I was with and videocalled him so he knew everything to reassure him.
I encouraged him to go and do some activities to have friends but he didn't want to or was tired. Yes, my life began orbiting around him.
But over 2 years in with someone I'd lived with, that seems normal. To me, he's a life partner we share everything with and are a team together.
Recently a female friend of his came to visit. He had mentioned it but I didn't know she'd be staying at his 1 bedroom small place and for an undefined period of time and require almost all of his attention.
They don’t have a physical or emotional romantic relationship. But I also did not find the way this was done respectful or considerate to me. She arrived the day before his day off, and he went late at night to take her to the supermarket for her groceries. The next day on his day off, I had cleared for our day together, he said he had to take her to an appointment. I said well it's near a beach why don't we all go together. He agreed at first and told me to get ready. I did but then at the hour he was going to pick me up he said there wasn't time and went with her. He said he'd come straight back for me and we'd go somewhere else together.
Her appt delayed several hours and the day was gone. Yes I kicked up a fuss. The following days we had arguments but he still didn't have proper time for us. He had to drive her to the beach after work (because poor thing she's stuck inside all day). When I lived with him he never wanted to go to the beach and he told me to go and walk.
I always respected him being tired after work. Would gently suggest things but never push him. So yes I was jealous seeing him go out of his way for a friend.
Why was she staying at his place, (he has one bed and a sofa) requiring his taxi services (for job interviews), not inviting me to stuff (why don't we all have dinner together or go to the beach together?!) and there not being an end date.
It was going to be the last month together before I had a big trip again to be gone a few months. We had talked about taking a few shorts trips of 2-4 days to visit places we hadn't had a chance to in the region. We had to plan it around his free days. But she was going to be here until we don't know when so I couldn't plan anything.
He claims he never has friends and now his best friend arrived and I'm ruining it. From my perspective, we had a routine, we had a life together, I cooked for him, we watched our series and cuddled together and now it's been 3 weeks I haven't continued the series, had s.x and barely eaten together. My boyfriend and relationship has just vanished and I haven’t been able to make any future plans with him before I'm meant to be leaving.
She moved out to an airbnb after a week "for my sake" and he made me feel guilty saying she was in debt because of me and everyone is trying to appease me.
Even then after work he's going to pick her up and drive her to the beach. I walk there near my house and find them together. He’s just told me: all this time I taught him to stand up for himself and now he's doing it.
For me the whole situation was unacceptable and I was not given the right prioritisation nor respect and I essentially butted in on their time together whenever possible and now don't want to continue the relationship. AITA or him?