I (40M) have been married to my wife (36F) for 11 years. We have an 8-year-old son together and I also have a 16-year-old stepson.
About 4 years ago, I had a severe depressive episode and had to take sick leave from my job in retail. I was completely burned out and basically broke down. Not long after that, my wife became self-employed (around 3.5 years ago), and since then, I feel like her expectations and behavior have changed a lot.
I am currently dealing with a second depressive episode and have an upcoming doctor’s appointment where ADHD is suspected. So mentally, things have been really difficult for me.
One of the biggest issues between us is expectations around money and lifestyle. My wife expects us to go on vacation twice a year, celebrate her birthday in a big way every time, and generally maintain a certain standard of living. The problem is that I simply can’t keep up with that, especially given my mental health struggles and the fact that I’ve already built up some debt trying to meet those expectations.
To try to keep up financially, I’ve changed jobs three times over the years in order to earn more money. Despite that, it still feels like it’s never enough.
We also argue a lot about how I spend my time. I like motorsports and gaming as hobbies, and I used to go to the gym with friends. She thinks these things are pointless because they don’t make money and has told me I should limit things like sports to short workouts at home. Over time, I feel like I’ve had to give up more and more of the things that help me cope and feel like myself.
Another thing that really affects me is that she often compares me to other men. This includes her clients from her business and also people she sees on Instagram or TikTok. It makes me feel like I’m constantly being measured against unrealistic standards, and no matter what I do, it’s never enough.
Recently, I’ve started pushing back more. I told her I don’t want to go on multiple expensive vacations every year anymore and that I can’t keep spending money we don’t really have just to meet her expectations. This has caused a lot of arguments, and she says I’m not supportive enough and that I’m holding us back.
From my perspective, I feel overwhelmed, unsupported, and like my mental health isn’t being taken seriously. I’m trying to be responsible and not dig us deeper into financial problems.
So now I’m wondering…
AITA for refusing to keep up with my wife’s expectations about money, lifestyle, and how I spend my time?