I have very strong emotions that i try really hard to process and properly communicate but it feels like i'm always coming up short in some way. I had a conversation with someone who i'm really close to last night and I think that the conclusion I came to is that we are in a pattern that is not good for either of us, and its partially because of the "heaviness I carry with me"
I have a track record of not being the best at communicating things that people say are intense. My internal world feels so intense that by the time I communicate something, I've tried as much as I can to process it, synthesize it, soften it, try to show that I care and that its not the biggest deal but it does impact me, that I just want to express myself and this doesn't mean that I don't appreciate/love/care for that person. and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't have to be a huge thing, I care about the relationship. I have so many experiences of being told I'm too much or too intense or ask for too much, and I try to take those things into consideration. I try to communicate clearly and thoroughly what it is that I'm experiencing and the emotions that came up, if something bothered me, etc. I try my best to ask, "is it a good time to have this conversation?" people will say yes but then resent me for bringing anything up. Idk Ive been told that when I'm bringing up something that has bothered me, I have an accusatory tone. I feel like If something bothered me/ hurt my feelings, its accusational in some way because I'm identifying something that hurt, but still I get that hard things are hard to hear.
I feel like if I was at a different time in my life I would have gone through the knee jerk reaction of feeling like " why do I ruin everything// why did i think that was going to go well// am I meant to be alone? Am I someone who is supposed to live far away from everyone I love as to not hurt them with my struggles with my own intensity of feeling and expression? "
now that this isn't my first rodeo, I see that there's really nothing wrong with me, and that the depth I hold is a gift. I'm still messy and kind of fuck up often, like most people I suppose. I have a friend that meets me with a similar intensity, and its honestly really liberating, albeit i still reduce myself in some ways to be there. They come to me with their intense feelings, emotions and reflections and we try to figure it out. I do the same and they receive me with open arms. Its still hard but I'm not as hard on myself, and I do my best to hold grace and understanding for others, even when I feel frustrated or hurt. I try my best to understand and affirm their frustrations with me, and take that information in during the conversation so I'm responding and not reacting. Deep Breaths. I know how deeply words can hurt and feel impactful, and I don't take that lightly.
We live in a society that banks on performance as love, where things being stuffed down is called love, where we are just supposed to act like nothing affects us. I feel like this is in part why we become addicts or codependent in the first place. I know that I'm not perfect, so i don't expect anyone around me to be. However, when something affects me emotionally, it makes me sad or angry or disappointed or whatever, I try to express that because I don't want to build resentment, which I've done in the past, and it ends horribly.
Honestly something that really helps me is just laughing at myself and accepting that I'm a heavy cat. I wont be for everyone and that's OK. I have a mission in life, I have people that care about me. I don't yet have a relationship where I feel like I'm not having to make myself smaller in some way, but I think for now I'll roll with being a little more alone. I feel like I'm so deep in this whole thing that i take the other persons emotions seriously but i kinda laugh at myself and say... welp i tried my best. I'm doing my best. It feels devastating on some level but I have a fuck ton of love in my heart and desire to be open and honest. we will se where it all goes.
I'm definitely interested in what others think, as well as feedback.
much love to everyone on their journey who is struggling but still trying. I know I am lol. But we got this.
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