u/AdministrativeRoof33

I’m 32 weeks pregnant now.

For most of my pregnancy I felt depressed and it was like I could “see things more clearly”. About life, me as a person, and my relationship with my partner.

I feel like I have fallen out of love with him.

I have always been so quiet about things and kept myself small prior to pregnancy but… when I got pregnant I got a bit more confident and was unapologetic about raising my concerns about our relationship. This of course led to a lot of fights and making up.

I do see him trying. He does. But even then I wouldn’t feel it satisfies me. I only feel like it’s too late now for his change.

When we’re arguing and not talking I do feel like I miss him, that if he would only step up then maybe we can do this.

But the moment he reaches out, I feel anxious and repulsed by him. No matter how kindly he treats me.

I used to be so in love with him, it’s fascinating I don’t feel any of that anymore. He used to be the apple of my eye. Now I don’t think anything of him.

I wonder what’s happening to me.

Has this ever happened to anyone here? Is this normal in pregnancy? Is this hormones?

I feel like I’m about to explode. Sometimes I don’t even want to wake up anymore.

I’m almost 8 months pregnant, and for most of my pregnancy I’ve been alone because during my first trimester my partner went abroad.

It took so long before I felt like he actually cared about my pregnancy. I don’t even know if that’s just how men are? But I really built up a lot of hurt because of that. Only recently has he been trying to make up for it or step up in his own way.

When I told my mom I was pregnant, she rejected me and said really hurtful things. We didn’t talk for a month. Honestly, it wasn’t surprising because she’s always been narcissistic. It’s a long story, but I even ended up seeing a psychiatrist because of her. I’m not a minor. I have a job and I’ve been living independently for a long time. I’m 29. After a month, she reached out, not really because she wanted to, but because my dad was wondering why I wasn’t messaging. She just kind of rode on that and acted like things were okay. I let it be because I didn’t have the energy to have a real, heartfelt conversation with someone who’s never been genuinely open to fixing things.

You know what I realized? She never even video called me this whole pregnancy. She never asked if I was in pain. She never even asked for a photo of my belly. It’s crazy, especially since she went through this too and always complained about how bad her stepmom and mother-in-law were.

My only sibling, the youngest, the golden child, not once checked on me during my whole pregnancy. But I see on his girlfriend’s stories that they’re always out dating, going to concerts, joining marathons, playing pickleball, tennis. It feels like he’s disgusted with me or disappointed in me. Honestly, I’m more annoyed than anything, but I’ve also reached a point where I don’t care anymore. He’s turning 26 this year and still hasn’t finished college, yet our mom keeps tolerating him. He doesn’t get rejected. Seriously?

Then last Friday, my boss called to tell me I’m being let go. So now I’m just rendering. Our schedule is 7 to 4. Is it my fault that the workload doesn’t actually fill the whole day? Sometimes you’re busy, but most of the time there are gaps. You’re just on standby, ready to work.

Earlier I was actually busy, but one of my coworkers gave me something that took time because it was detailed. Even they couldn’t do it alone. So I ended up doing 1 hour overtime. Of course I filed it.

After work, my boss messaged me saying he approved it, but next time don’t do OT because the schedule is flexible. He said I should just do it the next day instead. What’s the point of time in and out then? Why don’t they just organize the workload so it actually fits 7 to 4? Or why even set 7 to 4 in the first place? I felt so embarrassed, like I came off as opportunistic.

But I have proof I worked. I even took screenshots. My OT explanation was detailed.

On top of that, my partner is coming home when I’m about to give birth. But honestly? I feel like I’m falling out of love with him. I waited so long, gave him so many chances, and now he’s stepping up only when I’m already tired of waiting.

Then he just told me:

Him: “Let’s get married when I get back.”

Me: “If it’s just because of the baby, I’m okay not getting married. I told you I’d never pressure you about that. We should get married for the right reasons, for us, not just for the baby.”

But he’s still acting like we’re getting married anyway. I got fed up and said, “Fine, let’s just elope then.” I was thinking it would be cheaper, less pressure, no one has to know. You know what he said? “Okay, sure.”

No effort at all. No proposal. And now even the wedding feels like nothing. It feels like getting married is just another errand. I don’t even know if I want to marry him.

So here I am, heavily pregnant, in a relationship where I feel alone, with no one to rely on, not even my own family, and now I don’t have a job.

Am I a bad person? Why is everything happening all at once? Why is it like this?

Sometimes I ask the world if things can just be lighter. If not for me, then at least for my child. It feels like everything is piling up.

Earlier I went for a walk thinking it might help. But I ended up crying outside while drinking lemonade, saying to myself I wish I would just die during childbirth.

Parang sasabog na ako. Ayoko na magising minsan.

Mag 8 months pregnant na ako and for most of my pregnancy, mag isa ako kasi 1st trimester nag ibang bansa partner ko.

Ang tagal pa bago ko nakita na may totoo siyang pake sa pregnancy ko. Di ko alam kung ganun ba talaga para sa mga lalaki? Basta grabe din naging hinanakit ko diyan. Ngayon ngayon lang yan bumabawi or nagsstep up in his own way.

Tapos nung sinabi ko sa mama ko na buntis ako tinakwil ako, nireplyan akong masasakit na salita then one month kami di nag usap. Actually di na nakakagulat kasi mama ko ay narcissistic talaga ever since. Mahaba pang kwento pero umabot na ako sa psychiatrist ng dahil sakanya. Btw di ako minor. May work ako and matagal na din po akong nakabukod samin. 29 na po ako. After one month e napilitan siya magreach out sakin kasi nagtataka na pala papa ko bakit di ako nagpaparamdam or text. Naki-ride mama ko dun and somewhat nag aacting na ayos na kami so hinayaan ko na lang kasi wala din ako sa kundisyon para makipag heart to heart sa isang tao na never naman naging open makipag ayos, genuinely.

Alam niyo narealize ko? Never yan siya nag VC ngayong buntis ako. Never niya ako tinanong if may masakit ako. Never niya ako hiningian kahit magsend ng photo na malaki na tiyan ko. Grabe no? To think na pinagdaanan niya din ‘to and always siya nagrreklamo na masamang nanay stepmom at MIL niya.

Yung kaisa isahan kong kapatid which is bunso and siya ang golden child, ni minsan sa buong pagbubuntis ko hindi man lang nangamusta. Pero nakikita ko sa story ng gf lagi sila nagddate, nagpupunta mga concert, nagjjoin ng marathon, nagppickleball, tennis, etc. Parang pinaparamdam niya na diring diri siya sakin or disappointed siya. Mind you, naiinis lang ako pero wala din akong pake at napuno na din ako sa kaartehan niya. Siya nga 26 na this year di pa din nakakatapos ng college tapos kinukunsinte lang ng nanay namin. Di naman tinatakwil. Huh???

Then last week friday nagcall sakin boss ko (WFH) to tell me na illet go na niya ako from work. 🥴 so ngayon nag rrender na lang ako. And 7-4 talaga kami. Kasalanan ko ba yan if hindi naman whole day yung pinagagawa? Kasi kanina medyo busy naman talaga pero sa work is hindi naman talaga buong shift may gawa ka. May few mins or hours din na tengga diba? Pero ready ka to accommodate.

Tapos yung isa kong kawork may pinagawa siya sakin na natagalan talaga kasi mabusisi nga naman. Kaya niya nga din di magawa mag isa e. So naka OT ako ng 1hr. E di nag file ako.

Nakareceive ako message from my boss after work na inapprove niya pero next time wag na daw mag OT kasi flexible naman oras. Next time daw next day ko na lang gawin imbes na i-OT. Grabe talaga! Ano pa purpose ng pag time in and out? Bakit di kasi kila iconsolidate ang gawain para pumasok lang talaga sa 7-4? Diba? Or bakit pa sila nag set ng 7-4. Feeling ko pahiyang pahiya ako na ang labas oportunista pa ako.

Pero may proof naman ako na nagwork ako. Ni-SS ko pa nga e. And detailed yung explanation ko sa pag file ng OT.

Humalo pa na yung partner ko uuwi para sa panganganak ko pag malapit na ako manganak. Pero sa totoo lang? Naffall out of love na ako sakanya. Kumbaga antagal ko nag aantay at bigay ng chance sakanya. Tapos ngayon lang siya nagstep up kung kelan pagod na ako mag antay.

Tapos ang sabi niya lang sakin:

Him: pakasal na tayo pag uwi ko

Me: if papakasal lang dahil sa bata ok lang naman sakin hindi, kasi diba sabi ko sayo never kita ippressure niyan. And dapat magpakasal tayo for the right reasons, dahil sating 2. Hindi sa bata lang.

Pero parang nag aact pa din siya in a way na papakasal na kami. So mej napuno na din ako sabi ko “sige mag elope na lang tayo kung ganyan.” Kasi naiisip ko less gastos, less pressure kasi walang nakakaalam. Alam niyo sabi din niya “okay sige ganun na lang.”

Hay. Walang kaeffort effort. Di ka na nga nag propose. Tapos pati pagpapakasal parang wala na lang din. Alam niyo parang errand na lang magpakasal ngayon? Ni di ko nga alam kung gusto ko makasal sakanya.

So heto ako ngayon very buntis, nasa relasyon na feeling ko alone ako, wala naman ako maasahan maski kadugo ko, wala din ako work.

Ang sama ko bang tao? Bakit sabay sabay? Bakit ganito?

Nagtatanong ako minsan sa mundo if di ba pwedeng pagaanin kahit di na para sakin, kahit para sa anak ko? Parang lahat na lang.

Kanina naglakad lakad ako kasi kala ko makakahelp. Pero naiyak ako sa labas habang nagllemonade tapos sinasabi ko sana mamatay na lang ako sa panganganak.

Parang sasabog na ako. Ayoko na magising minsan.

Mag 8 months pregnant na ako and for most of my pregnancy, mag isa ako kasi 1st trimester nag ibang bansa partner ko.

Ang tagal pa bago ko nakita na may totoo siyang pake sa pregnancy ko. Di ko alam kung ganun ba talaga para sa mga lalaki? Basta grabe din naging hinanakit ko diyan. Ngayon ngayon lang yan bumabawi or nagsstep up in his own way.

Tapos nung sinabi ko sa mama ko na buntis ako tinakwil ako, nireplyan akong masasakit na salita then one month kami di nag usap. Actually di na nakakagulat kasi mama ko ay narcissistic talaga ever since. Mahaba pang kwento pero umabot na ako sa psychiatrist ng dahil sakanya. Btw di ako minor. May work ako and matagal na din po akong nakabukod samin. 29 na po ako. After one month e napilitan siya magreach out sakin kasi nagtataka na pala papa ko bakit di ako nagpaparamdam or text. Naki-ride mama ko dun and somewhat nag aacting na ayos na kami so hinayaan ko na lang kasi wala din ako sa kundisyon para makipag heart to heart sa isang tao na never naman naging open makipag ayos, genuinely.

Alam niyo narealize ko? Never yan siya nag VC ngayong buntis ako. Never niya ako tinanong if may masakit ako. Never niya ako hiningian kahit magsend ng photo na malaki na tiyan ko. Grabe no? To think na pinagdaanan niya din ‘to and always siya nagrreklamo na masamang nanay stepmom at MIL niya.

Yung kaisa isahan kong kapatid which is bunso and siya ang golden child, ni minsan sa buong pagbubuntis ko hindi man lang nangamusta. Pero nakikita ko sa story ng gf lagi sila nagddate, nagpupunta mga concert, nagjjoin ng marathon, nagppickleball, tennis, etc. Parang pinaparamdam niya na diring diri siya sakin or disappointed siya. Mind you, naiinis lang ako pero wala din akong pake at napuno na din ako sa kaartehan niya. Siya nga 26 na this year di pa din nakakatapos ng college tapos kinukunsinte lang ng nanay namin. Di naman tinatakwil. Huh???

Then last week friday nagcall sakin boss ko (WFH) to tell me na illet go na niya ako from work. 🥴 so ngayon nag rrender na lang ako. And 7-4 talaga kami. Kasalanan ko ba yan if hindi naman whole day yung pinagagawa? Kasi kanina medyo busy naman talaga pero sa work is hindi naman talaga buong shift may gawa ka. May few mins or hours din na tengga diba? Pero ready ka to accommodate.

Tapos yung isa kong kawork may pinagawa siya sakin na natagalan talaga kasi mabusisi nga naman. Kaya niya nga din di magawa mag isa e. So naka OT ako ng 1hr. E di nag file ako.

Nakareceive ako message from my boss after work na inapprove niya pero next time wag na daw mag OT kasi flexible naman oras. Next time daw next day ko na lang gawin imbes na i-OT. Grabe talaga! Ano pa purpose ng pag time in and out? Bakit di kasi kila iconsolidate ang gawain para pumasok lang talaga sa 7-4? Diba? Or bakit pa sila nag set ng 7-4. Feeling ko pahiyang pahiya ako na ang labas oportunista pa ako.

Pero may proof naman ako na nagwork ako. Ni-SS ko pa nga e. And detailed yung explanation ko sa pag file ng OT.

Humalo pa na yung partner ko uuwi para sa panganganak ko pag malapit na ako manganak. Pero sa totoo lang? Naffall out of love na ako sakanya. Kumbaga antagal ko nag aantay at bigay ng chance sakanya. Tapos ngayon lang siya nagstep up kung kelan pagod na ako mag antay.

Tapos ang sabi niya lang sakin:

Him: pakasal na tayo pag uwi ko

Me: if papakasal lang dahil sa bata ok lang naman sakin hindi, kasi diba sabi ko sayo never kita ippressure niyan. And dapat magpakasal tayo for the right reasons, dahil sating 2. Hindi sa bata lang.

Pero parang nag aact pa din siya in a way na papakasal na kami. So mej napuno na din ako sabi ko “sige mag elope na lang tayo kung ganyan.” Kasi naiisip ko less gastos, less pressure kasi walang nakakaalam. Alam niyo sabi din niya “okay sige ganun na lang.”

Hay. Walang kaeffort effort. Di ka na nga nag propose. Tapos pati pagpapakasal parang wala na lang din. Alam niyo parang errand na lang magpakasal ngayon? Ni di ko nga alam kung gusto ko makasal sakanya.

So heto ako ngayon very buntis, nasa relasyon na feeling ko alone ako, wala naman ako maasahan maski kadugo ko, wala din ako work.

Ang sama ko bang tao? Bakit sabay sabay? Bakit ganito?

Nagtatanong ako minsan sa mundo if di ba pwedeng pagaanin kahit di na para sakin, kahit para sa anak ko? Parang lahat na lang.

Kanina naglakad lakad ako kasi kala ko makakahelp. Pero naiyak ako sa labas habang nagllemonade tapos sinasabi ko sana mamatay na lang ako sa panganganak.