Has anyone decided to take the western approach to mental (ill) health after participating in ceremonies? (Post is my personal sharing/venting/public journalling. You can answer withouth reading it, altho it would mean to me if you had the time and willingness to read it.)
I am a bright, good-looking young woman, but I struggle with emotions and disregulated nervous system. Since I have known of myself, I have felt like the odd one out, and this went hand in hand with my social experiences. When I got to teen-age, I started to experience severe stress due to strong emotions, which I handled by self-harming, and have started to feel su1c1dal, due to stress. I have learned to manage this, live this way, but not successfully, I guess, because when I reached adulthood, IBS hit me and made me feel like a disabled person. I manage this now as well. I think I am neurodiverse, but it doesn't matter for this post. Don't want to self-loathe, but need to give a short background (or LOR, have learned this term recently :))
Anyway, I am a deep person, fascinated by mystery, the meaning of life, an artistic soul. Since I am bright and good-looking, as I said, people always assumed I was doing fine, and never took me seriously about my suffering (yes, being bright and good-looking makes people perceive you as a successful person). This also happened in the Aya community I was part of. People would give me compliments like -you are beautiful and smart, you can do whatever you set your mind to! I hated this because the truth is, I cannot do so many things. I do tell people about my struggles, but they always seem to forget or not believe me, because I look like I'm doing fine.
I have spent my life trying to feel better. Firstly, by myself, then I started seeing a psychologist. I never wanted to take antidepressants because I didn't want to be 'one of those' and also because, participating in alternative communities, I was under the influence that Western medicine is pure evil.
My last attempt was to help myself through the sacred medicine. I participated actively in ceremonies for 2 years. My first encounter with the spiritual world, deities, aliens, astral sphere, oneness was through mushrooms. I took a small dose, but somehow the veil opened, and I got catapulted into the spirit world. When I continued with Aya, I was mostly returning to these spheres. Apart from the difficulty (mostly it was difficult), I remembered where my soul truly lived, I met all my spiritual family there, I remembered my divinity, I was blessed and bathed in truth, I have heard God's voice through me, it was beautiful, you all know how beautiful that is, my God! It was all beautiful, but I have not changed, in psychological terms. I have grown wiser, but my initial (emotional) struggles remained. I think that is just the way I am.
Anyway, you know that phrase - when you get the message, hung up the phone.
The last ceremony I have participated in, I got the message clearly. But I need to tell you something- I have had to control the experience. Every time I give up control I get catapulted into these abstract spiritual realms, where I come back confused and disturbed, but this time, I was guiding the experience and Aya supported me. I have drunk Aya enough times to get familiarised with how she works in me, and I was confident to make this move. She showed me how to do shadow work. The message I hung up the phone on was- You have to (or better said- You have the ability to) accept yourself fully. Thinking back now, I managed to integrate almost all the aspects of me I connected to that night, except for one- the version of me that is crying relentlessly and doesn't want to live. I have just sat with her, witnessing and feeling her pain, crying with her. But I couldn't understand why.
Fast forward to today, 2 years later. I have taken responsibility for my life, my destiny, at least I'm trying. I have enrolled in Uni with the intention to do work that has meaning and makes me feel valued. I am halfway there. I have started strong, but the stress of this tempo and my poor coping mechanism is taking a toll on me. I am not part of the Aya community since I have grown cynical of many narratives in their new age agenda.
I decided to give antidepressants a go a couple of months ago. I can tell you, they will dull the emotions down and make it easier, but the behavioural aspect is something you (I) have to do on my own. I didn't change my behaviour, and I feel miserable again. It is my fault, and it is not my fault either. It is my responsibility tho.
I told my GP about feeling su1c1dal... I have blurted it out by accident (or not). The truth is, I often feel like this. This is the truth. This was the truth when I was participating in ceremonies, as well. I have felt like this for a long time. I am not planning to do anything about it, but it lives in my mind.
I got attention. She recognised my suffering. I feel seen. The crying girl was touched. I guess I had to say the magic word. However, now I need to go to the psychiatric ER and tell them what I told her. On one hand, I feel scared, as I am entering the belly of the 'evil Western medical system'; on the other hand, I feel I might get support. I may not have to struggle so much alone. This would be nice. It's a twisted way of receiving love. I am dying for some. I will try the medication they suggest.
This is an unknown territory for me. I find it ironic how sacred medicine has given me the courage to try taking this path. Usually, people go to Aya disappointed in the psychiatric system, but with me, the other way around. I have grown confident in my decision-making ability, and I am not afraid that they will take my autonomy in deciding about my mental health. I am not giving my destiny into the hands of the doctors, but I am collaborating with them. Something I wouldn't have been able to do in the past. Wish me luck! Thank you for reading