Hi everyone this will be a long post but I do appreciate any and all advice. Throwaway bc she might be on here.
The situation is this currently:
I (23M) have been contemplating a breakup w/ 23F.
We met in high school. Classic best friends to lovers trope. I still remember the day I made a made a move on her and we haven’t looked back since. We did LDR for around 3 years, and then moved closer together for school. We signed a lease on a place last year which is set to expire late July of this year.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my life as it stands and I’m realizing my life isn’t improving from our relationship. She’s sat at home for the last year, complaining about my work schedule (8-10 hours daily for 6 days a week) as she rots at home. I am barely scrapping by to pay our bills and thru multiple talks about our financial situation, she has started to make progress towards getting a job but she still doesn’t have one.
We have really nasty arguments. Name calling. Aggressive at times. Our voices get higher and soon enough we take the thing we were arguing about in the first place and move onto 20 other topics and forget what we were arguing about. Then a period of reconciliation. And then back to normal. Rinse and repeat. But the same underlying issues remain. We both did a lot of crappy stuff to each other when we were younger, and I fear neither of us have ever truly forgiven the other for it.
I did step outside of our relationship and ended it with her shortly after, only to get back with her about 8 months later. My reasons for doing the terrible thing I did came from pent up frustrations with our relationship, that I wouldn’t exist this time around. But they’re still here. Just worse. I’m not excusing myself or what I did, and I won’t dive into some of the actions she took after that event or before it, but some of those actions still hurt me to this day. She’s called me names I will never forget her saying to me.
I feel just sad all the time; by the bills, by the ongoing decline of our life, by the loss of my dreams (I want to go to law school but haven’t had time to study bc we don’t get that much time together), by the tiny bickering we have until eventually i just agree so it ends, by the ongoing pressure to not only provide but to do daily tasks like cleaning, laundry, etc, by the way she doesn’t involve herself in my interests (we watch what she wants to do, we do what she wants to do 24/7, and everytime i bring up this imbalance it’s taken but never followed). Her mental health was an issue for awhile, and she was going to therapy for a short period of time but she even with my help, she doesn’t try to get herself out of her head. She would rather just sit and rot. And I wish I could be there 24/7 to drag her out from that place, but I can’t be. As much as I want to I can’t. The bills don’t stop for anything and being gone from 3 until my restaurant closes 6 days a week doesn’t help because after I leave, she doesn’t do anything. Just plays video games and sends me content online. Nothing productive to us, not improving herself even. Just waits for me to get home.
I say all of this because for years I was convinced we were those rare, lucky people who met in high school, and made it until the end. But the more and more I look at the situation, I don’t think this is a person I could marry. I don’t think this person is good for me at this period of my life. I want to do so much and achieve so many of my goals and she seems to have lost all of her goals besides improving her physical health. Everytime I talk about how I don’t have time to study for law school she brushes it off.
And it’s not like I can properly talk to her about these things either. I recently brought up to her how we should talk about “us” and sort out our issues. She got defensive. Angry. She shut down and assumed I was talking about breaking up. I just wanted to try to talk things out with her. And she shut down. Started letting me ramble only for her to say “okay I’m sorry”. That’s not a conversation to me, nor is it a way to hammer things out. Just agreeing so I can stay.
But I’m realizing that’s not what I want in a partner. And I don’t want to be that partner either. I find myself pretending to be someone around her when it all used to be so… easy. Maybe it stems from a lack of self confidence I used to carry in high school and now as I grow until a young adult I’ve finally become more in tune with who I am, and expressing that around her feels dangerous almost.
I just feel so torn. Because part of me still wants to believe things could work out. Part of me is still clinging onto her and hoping for a life with her. She’s my first and only girlfriend. Part of me feels like she’s the love of my life but I’m so damn unsure of myself. The other part is saying we’re just at different points in our lives, and sometimes love isn’t enough. But I know what breaking up will to do her. How she will take it. And it feels so scary even thinking about letting this person go that I’ve known for almost 10 years.
So I don’t know. I guess I’m just looking for advice here. Our lease ends in July, but we have to decide whether or not to resign in mid May. Her family is bringing me along on their yearly vacation to the beach for the first time ever and i feel guilty about even going. I am just so tired from carrying us, and running around taking care of her, and finding the funds and time to spend time with her, and I’m not even sure if this relationship is what I want anymore.
Someone please give me some advice bc I’m really lost/torn and I’m not exactly one with too many friends I can go to with this
Thanks for reading everyone