I (18M) have been dating this girl (19F) for about 7 months now and she's the most beautiful person I know she's the sweetest and genuinely my safe space and I love her to death but I'm having a really hard time to get over her past and it's starting to taking a mental toll on me.
for reference, this is my first ever relationship and she's been with another guy before for 5 years and they broke up jus 2 months before I started dating her. I time to time overthink that she still secretly likes him maybe a little bit as he was her first ever boyfriend and cuz they dated for 5 whole years and also cuz there's only a 2 months gap between her ex and me. She says that she stopped loving him 2 years ago and that she stayed due to attachment but she's completely moved and says that he was jus a bad experience and that im way better than him and that she loves me more than she ever loved him but it's still hard to believe due to the amount of time they've dated.
im also really bothered by the sexual things in her previous relationship and that makes the sexual things we do way less special to me and it genuinely fucking eats me alive, she's my first everything and I'm her second everything and it jus hurts so much idk what to fucking do anymore. ik its no one's fault here i mean im jus surprised they dated for 5 years and never actually had sex. I keep getting mental movies of her and her ex doing sexual stuff and I can't stop thinking bout it either and it makes me so unproductive and depressed sometimes and i thought time will heal me eventually but it's only getting worse.
she's always been honest bout any questions ive asked regarding her and her ex but this one time I caught her lying and now idk what's the truth and what's not, she had told me she's never been naked w him before 2 months into our relationship but lately i found out that she lied to me and when I confronted her about it she told me that she thought I knew about this and that she lied cuz she didn't want to tell me at that time cuz it was too early and that really hurts me cuz now i think she's prolly had sex w him but isn't gonna tell me until like a year into the relationship or something. I trust her a lot but lately everything seems like a lie, she told me that she promises she's told me everything and was honest bout it but I still dont fully believe her and I feel like I'm a really horrible boyfriend but at the same time i can't jus stop feeling like this too.
i once considered jus breaking up but then I'll jus be filled with regret and if I don't break up then my these emotions will eat me up so no matter what I do I'm always suffering. But I really love her and I wanna be with her so I wanna move past this but it's jus so difficult, this is the only problem in our relationship and it's all cuz of me and I tried doing stuff bout it but nothings been helping.
i also constantly think that whenever we kiss or get into anything sexual she prolly thinks of her ex in the back of her head and this makes me not wanna kiss her.
please help me get over this, i really love her a lot and I wanna fix it.