Guys - Send yourself email diaries if you can. At some point you'll realise that you can get yourself out. I made sure to record incidents after advice from someone on here and it helped move on. It can also protect you, though if they find out they may start fabricating things in response.
This was from the week before my father's funeral. She'd been encouraging me to commit suicide a lot and being very violent within days of his death, screaming and spitting in my face, insulting him, hitting me and telling me to kill myself etc. I had been almost completely socially isolated and quite anxious about false allegations and threats to kill me and my mother, which kept me in when I should have left. This is a brief snapshot of that time. Within days of this I'd go on SSRIs and within weeks have a nervous breakdown after SSRI-induced serotonin syndrome.
08:14 Weds 6 Aug 2025
Yesterday was very difficult as [my wife] threw me out at ~04:25am. I was sleeping in the spare room as she'd asked me to, then because I found out about her dating [other guy] while I was looking after [my dying father]. She came into the room and took my stuff and put it in the public hall of the building then sat on my leg and said she was going to invite [other guy] over. She then threw me out. I'd been up until 2am due to drama with her so barely slept.
I tried to sleep in the car but she kept sending me messages about how terrible I am. I barely replied, it was just a tirade. When Pret opened I had a coffee and sandwich and did some work at about 6am and had a chat with one of the other guys in the cafe.
I worked in another cafe in [London] to charge my phone and the Pret near [Tube Station] after I parked my car. Then I went back to [my wife]'s place as she'd calmed down.
She insulted me a lot throughout the day and mocked me for crying about [my dead father] and her cheating on me. She compared me disfavourably with [other guy] and other men, and kept saying she would cheat on me. She was screaming in my ears at full volume. She kept threatening infidelity.
At night she had a meltdown and hit me in the head a lot and kneed me when I sat on the corner of the bed covering my head. She hit me with a belt but it wasn't hard enough for her. She insulted my family when I said she was having a meltdown.
Then we watched a bit of a movie about some Americans discovering other dimensions in the woods.
Last Thursday 31 July she threw me out in the middle of the night too so I had to drive home and missed my work calls on Friday and didn't catch up with work. I went on a solo road trip on the Sunday.
That Thursday, she woke me up by throwing a glass of water on my head then threw all my stuff into the flat hallway and her mother saw it and started recording. It was humiliating and I was so tired.
She did the same thing earlier in the week last week too. She likes to get me when I'm asleep.
On 4 July we went for dinner and she invited me home, then as soon as I went to sleep at about 4am on 5 July she threw me out. She said it was because she wanted to have power over me.
I can't stay with her and do normal things. It's not possible for me to sleep properly. I'm so tired.
09:21 Weds 6 Aug
I don't feel very good at all. I keep having flashbacks of her hitting me last night. She threatened to hit me with a glass when she was hitting me in her bedroom at night. And she kept saying that I'm not good enough for her and she's going to try to fuck [another guy] at a party [her friend] invited her to in Manchester. I hate being with [my wife]. It's all for those little moments in between the horrible times, but when I think back to those moments the best part was the relief. Just the pauses in it all and the temporary illusion that she cared about both of us.
09:42 Weds 6 Aug
My brother is in hospital at the moment. I want to see him. I'm so exhausted by everything with [my wife] that I'm neglecting my family again. She keeps being domestically violent and threatening infidelity. That's all she does for half the time I'm with her, then if I mention it it starts again instantly. I don't want to give up those nice moments though. I know she's disabled but she can help it. She doesn't have to hit me in the head. She knows I have had a head injury.
11:15 Weds 6 Aug
I don't think the advice I've been getting is good. I was using calm body language and had my hands on my thighs palm down when sitting and kneeled on the floor too at one point, but when I kneeled she slapped me in the face a couple of times and when I sat on the corner of the bed with my palms down she hit me in the head and kneed me and threatened to glass me after picking up the glass on the table by the window. I think it invites violence but ChatGPT said that it calms the other person's nervous system to see that I'm not a threat. But when I look her in the eyes when she's shouting at me she hits me in the head too like that time she hit me in the head and pushed me over when I was putting my shoes on on my bad leg.
I don't know what to do.
01:35 Saturday 9 Aug 2025
It's around 01:30am on Saturday 9 Aug. [My wife] woke me up at around midnight by shining her phone light in my face then hitting me in the head, then she said I had to leave now and called 999 asking for the police then hung up, then threatened to get me arrested for rape on a false allegation and as I got up she kept hitting me and threw my stuff all over the floor and into the flat hallway. When I bent down to pick it up she kept hitting me and pulled my pants up in a kind of wedgie and slammed the door on my toes. She then apparently pretended (she said later) to have a call with the police. I shouted through the door that she assaulted me in my sleep because I thought the police could hear, then I called them when I left and told them that I woke up to her hitting me in the head and I was leaving. [My wife] kept messaging and calling me when I was driving. I was angry so rejected her first two calls but then picked up and she was crying and told me to come straight back and fix everything because the police were at her door. I drove back and on the way calmed [my wife] down with breathing exercises and with calming words. I spoke to the police when back and withdrew everything I said. I was worried that she was going to get me arrested on a false allegation again but she didn't. Then police told me to leave and advised me not come back tonight, and advised against me staying there again. I then went for a walk to [Railway Station] to go to the loo and walked back to the car where I am now writing this. I'm very stressed. I was sweating from stress and [my wife] said she was on the phone too. It looks like [my wife] has blocked me on WhatsApp.