my (21f) boyfriend (22m) doesn’t want to sleep with me. can the relationship still work?
hi guys, i’m writing this for a bit of outside perspective as i’m unsure what to do.
for context, my boyfriend and i have been seeing eachother for around 10 months (7 of which we were on and off fwb, and we have been dating for 3ish months). he has a european background (parents born overseas but he was born in aus) and their culture / his upbringing was relatively strict. he currently still lives at home (along with his older siblings 25 & 28).
a key rule within his upbringing / culture was that partners cannot share a bed together in their home. i completelyyy understand this rule (it is their home after all), and respect it 100%. he has not yet met my parents (they live about 2 hours away from where i live), and he recently asked his mum (in front of me) if he can spend the night at my hometown house because of the distance. she agreed, but insinuated that she would like us to sleep in separate bedrooms, and i (of course) told her that my parents have a guest bedroom and that it wouldn’t be a problem.
when i asked him if he would actually sleep separately to me the next day, he said yes. i found this surprising at first, given that our relationship has never had any boundaries like this. we have sex (in various locations that some would deem risky) including once in his house (his idea). it’s not a case of abstinence on his part, although im not sure if his mum is aware that we are active as i haven’t asked. my parents are completely fine with us sharing a bed & do not intrude on our personal (sex) life.
i expressed my dislike to this ‘sleeping separate at my parents house’ situation for a few reasons…
i feel that i need to sleep with a partner (as in unconscious, not sex) in order to feel deeply connected to them. if we cannot do this at his house (or my house, because his parents say no because we live very close to eachother) then the only place left is my parents (as it is far away).
my family doesn’t feel that way, and there are no rules being imposed on us in their home. it makes me feel a little weird (and almost humiliated if im being honest) to have to explain that to my family.
it was his mums rule, and she is clearly not present / checking if it is being obeyed. he is not opposed to it, but he feels that he needs to follow her rules and that he doesn’t want to ‘compromise his morals’
after we had a long conversation about it (of which involved us talking about the above reasons — using the word ‘dealbreaker’) he agreed that it is healthier for us to share a bed at my parents house. i want to emphasise that i did not coax him into this decision, he came to that conclusion on his own accord.
the next day, he told me he had spoken to his mum about it and was now firmly saying he will not share a bed with me because he cannot go against what his mum says. he said we could maybe ‘re evaluate in a year or so’, which i think is just an empty promise. i feel that he is a grown man (22) and should be able to make his own decisions. whilst i respect that he still lives at home, i feel as if he is not thinking about my feelings in this, especially given that we will barely be at my parents house.
his oldest sibling has been dating somebody for 4 years and still follows this rule in both their family home, and the partners home too.
i think that this situation is making me think about my future, and the fact that i don’t think i can go half a decade without sharing a bed with my partner. do i want to spend half of my twenties hanging out with my boyfriend for a few hours and then just going home afterwards? or spending time with my parents with him, and then both of us going to separate rooms for the night? i understand that the rule must be adhered to in his family home, but this feels like he is valuing his mothers opinion over me in a way.
this also brings up the question of where his priorities lie, and if his mother will be a dividing factor in other situations too.
am i being irrational? can i re bring this up to him if hes very firm on the boundary? he says that im not respecting his morals by asking him to change? how do i go about this?
TLDR: if my boyfriend is prioritising his mums opinion over my feelings, will the relationship work?