Part 1: The Reach Out and Texting
I am currently in a lonely phase of life due to the nature of my work. A girl with whom I worked 3 years ago, casually reached out to me on text just to ask how I am. I had a slight crush on her when I used to work with her, but it was just a normal attraction. However, when she reached out, I was in so much isolation that my brain got transfixed on her. Conversation went on for a month - each sending 1 message in 2-3 days. Me being busy and she probably not interested to talk – but deciding to not ignore any message just to not appear rude!
Every sentence she said ran through my head throughout the day because of the loneliness. Liking became intense.
Part 2: The Spiral (DP Incident)
One day I complimented her on her dp. She thanked
Next day, she indicated she was a bit pissed because of the emotional intensity of my messages and indirectly indicated the end of the conversation (saying ‘All the best for your upcoming project’). I said ‘After the project I will ask you what runs through your head when you read my long texts. Probably she didn't expect me to respond even with a goodbye. The moment I sent that goodbye, she hid her dp from me. I felt panic because I am not that type of guy. I realised I have creeped her out. Maybe she saw an element of lust in my compliment on her dp because of my behaviour the next day.
After 2 days of panic, I sent her a text explaining my stupid behaviour and that it was so because I had a crush on her all these years. I also suggested she not respond if she feels awkward. She didn't respond.
1 week later, I then pointed out that she hid her dp - asked if I did anything wrong. She responded by saying 'no, my dp is not hidden because of you'. And that her non response was because of my requests only so that I can focus on work. But I knew she has hid her dp only from me – so I could not write off creep thing. But I took her word and believed I didn’t make her uncomfortable.
2 days later I sent her a random text on something and then it hit me that I should clear the air around my compliment on her dp . So I explained that I never actively check anyone's dp. My crush is only because of her personality (and not her body - to eliminate the lust factor). My compliment on her dp was in good faith.
I again said she need not respond. Her responses run in my head full day and affect my work.
I sent her 3-4 random texts (relevant news articles) in the next 10 days to which she didn’t respond. At this point, I got confused if she is not responding because of my request for non-response or because she got uncomfortable
8 days later, she sent me a message which read 'Focus on your work All the best for everything ahead'. I got panic attack when I read that because I felt I have acted very creepy
2 days later, i still gathered courage and messaged her if things can get back to normal. I added no need to respond if you don’t feel like – as ChatGPT suggested I should indicate I am not pressurising her to respond.
1 week later, i sent a long message indicating that I liked her but that doesn't mean I am some villain (I didn’t want to use the word ‘creep’ for myself). And that I got no intention of trying to woo her!
She got overwhelmed and cleared the air by texting with me for 1 hour and told me nothing is awkward between us and she is not responding based on my requests only. She suggested that her previous text didn't mean a bitter goodbye. And suggested that I focus on my work. And not to trouble her by sending such long overwhelming messages. I explicitly asked her multiple times if I acted 'creepy' with her. This was the first time I used this word in front of her. She said 'no'. I asked why she hid her dp from me. She said because I was acting immature (long emotional messages). She said she had hidden her dp and archived my chat to fully ignore me. Although I asked her what does hiding dp have to do with ignoring me. She didn’t respond to that text. I asked her why didn’t she block me – is hiding dp some middle path? She laughed and said blocking is too extreme and she blocks people who are very creepy. She also warned me politely that ‘one more long text and I will block you – for peace of mind – both yours and mine (with laughing emojis)’. She added that she has shared the situation with her boyfriend (I didn’t know earlier she has one) and
Part 3: The Block and Intervention (Boyfriend / Colleague)
4 days later, I sent her a message overthinking about my future and she blocked me instantly. I was fine as I felt she blocked for her own peace from my long texts and not because of me acting like a creep.
I just dropped her an SMS saying I respect her decision and this is my last SMS to her. I said she will always have my good wishes
Next day, a mutual colleague texted me ‘Hi’. I got so scared that I uninstalled the texting app the moment his Hi appeared. 2 days later I gathered the courage to install it. He requested to refrain from messaging her. Massive humiliation for me! I said sure. I also told him ‘sorry’. Why? Because she had said she had shared the situation with her boyfriend, so I assumed he is her boyfriend. In response, he sent a message but I could understand the language is her. ‘It’s okay, just focus on your career’. I took relief that maybe it was not creep reason to get blocked. I still said I don’t know who sent that message – he, her or some combined voice. I shouldn’t have said that – it’s intrusion in personal lives of past colleagues. I also told how I got scared and uninstalled Whatsapp expecting something scary but thankfully nothing scary was there (I was lying about not getting scared of that message – my soul left my body when I read that humiliating message).
I reached out 4 months later to that mutual colleague and requested if he can forward a message to her. I assumed that since she said ‘It’s okay’ 4 months earlier – there are no bitter feelings. The message had some useful information which I felt like sharing with her because she had shared something related about her 4 months ago. It was in good faith and I had no intention of getting unblocked or starting some conversation. It was just a message intended to help her!
He sent a cold blunt reply – ‘Can you please not message? Don’t appreciate this’. I got panic attacks and tears – by the level of humiliation, and the feeling that I have crossed so many red lines.
It dawned upon me – I acted creepy unknowingly, or just because she refused to point out that I acted creepy. That I intruded in their personal lives.
I replied to him that everything happened because I was in loneliness and my latest message was bona fide. I added I ‘Wont message further. Bye’. I blocked him as I didn’t want to see his rude response / non response!
Part 4: The Guilt and Current Mental State
Since the day she messaged me till she blocked (2 months), I worked only at 20% efficiency as her words were running in loop in my head. I used to draft messages taking hours and using help of AI wasting my precious time!
It’s been 2 weeks since he gave that cold tone saying please don’t message. I can’t focus on my work due to ruminating about how I behaved. I am in late 20s and ended up acting like some teenager
I crossed many red lines. I am not that type of guy. I never got into a relation and was not even looking to.
I got so strong regret that I cannot sleep more than 2 hours a day.
Deep down I wish I could get my image back to normal in front of their eyes but I know this doesn’t even matter to me in my life as these are former colleagues with whom I am never going to cross paths again. But I still care! I am not a creep but happened to act creepy because of isolation (she must be believing I couldn’t take ‘no’). She was the only person outside my current work I was in contact with – like a ray of sunlight in dark room! I wish she had drawn boundaries clearly at the start (I am not blaming her at all!)
I never had wrong intentions but created a negative impact and crossed boundaries many times!
I break into tears throughout the day, have constant anxiety, stress, insomnia, lack of concentration on work – due to whatever happened!
I tried therapy but it didn’t help. I know of spotlight effect but that doesn’t help! I know I should not think of things I can’t control (their narrative of me) – but that doesn’t help! I know all I can do is to take learnings so that doesn’t happen again – but that doesn’t help my guilt! I know I should get out of isolation so that this doesn’t happen again – but that doesn’t change the damage already done!
I obviously won’t reach out to them ever again – even to apologise! But I am going to struggle with rumination, the guilt for long time! Maybe whole life!