How do I (36F) get over a parasocial relationship with a streamer (35M)?
Some important points: Sorry if wrong sub, I didn't know where else could I post this. English is not my main language so forgive me for my spelling mistakes. And this is a throwaway account cause this situation is really pathetic and I don't want asociete with my main account.
So, as the title says I am stuck in a parasocial relationship with a streamer and don't know how to get out.
I am a very weird and lonely person who dissociates a lot and always invent fake scenarios in my mind. I don't want to excuse my weird brain behavior but I was raise being sexual/physically/mentally abuse constantly, so the only way I could copy when something terrible was happing to me was to disasociete. Also I wasn't allowed to move around much when I was a kid. I had to stand still in the living room's corner or else I would get beaten, so I just stayed living in my own head my whole childish.
At 22 I married a guy and leave my family, but he end up also being mentally and sexualy abusiver towards me. I became a drug addict and alcoholic and when you are high the dissociation is stronger so I kept this pattern.
When the pandemic hit my ex evict me from his house, I started doing cam shows to survive and for the first time in my life things started to get better most because I had my own money. After 3 decades I was finally safe, happy and living a good life. But the pattern sustain and I am still living imaginary scenarios in my head all the time.
In 2024 I was scrolling when I saw 'Daniel' (fake name) in one of those reddit stories podcast. I immediately felt extremely attracted to him which is rare because of my traumas is not easy for me feel attracted to someone. Daniel had this weird-gothic-nerdy vibes, really cute but not in a conventional way. I looked up and followed him on instagram where he shares his link on twitch so I started whatching his streamings everytime I could.
First I watched Daniel just because I thought he was kind of hot. But watching constantly brought this inner peace on me. His voice became my favorite background sound. The attraction became an admiration. He is smart, funny and he has this admirable kindness in him. I'm not used to be around kind people so this sparkle something in me.
Things escalated. Daniel started to popped up in mind every time. I started to make up fake scenarios in my head of me and Daniel doing cute couple stuff together, like sitting in the sofa playing together... kissing in photo booths... stuff like that. Thinking about him started to make me horny so I started to touch myself. And sunddely I was full living a parasocial relationship. There was even one night that I was a little drunk so I ordered a personalized mug with his face printed on it and now it is my favorite mug.
There is even that one time when I was in a bar and an old acquaintance oferecer me cocaine, I almost did it but my brains told me "if you do cocaine again, Daniel will be disappointed", so I didn't do it. First time in 15 years that I declined using it. So yeah, I do know I'm hallucinating but at the same time it feels that this help me to become a better person, I don't know... Cause I want to become the kind of girl that is good enough to be with a guy like Daniel.
I do know that I'm not his physical type, he likes girls with colored hair and I'm a curly girl. I even consider to dye my hair so maybe I would bring his attention, but I love my Moana's hair so much so I didn't have the corage to do it.
I'll probably never meet him. He does a lot a meeting and greet in anime events and I really wish I could attend one of those. But I'm from south america, and as a latina woman I would never have the courage to go to such dangerous place for me like USA.
As far as I know, Daniel isn't dating anyone. But if he ever make oficial with sometime I'll suffer like hell.
I do know this is not health. I do know this isn't real. But everytime I tried to repressed those feeling I felt really bad so I kept letting this thoughts flowed my mind thinking that I would get over soon. But 2 years later I still totaly into him.
I swear I do have a fulfilling life nowadays. I working on overcome my traumas, I'm hitting the gym, I found good friends , I'm drinking only ocasioally, I'm studying, I'm buying off an apartment... But romantic I'm living this patetic parasocial relationship.
I talked about this to my friend an she told me to esforce more to pursue something romantic to get over this situation. So I tried relationship apps, but all I could think when I saw a potential good match was "Oh, He is not Daniel I don't want him". How can I pursue any romantic connection if in my mind I already "love" someone? And at the same time I do know I don't love him I love just the idealization of him.
I know I should looking for therapy but budget will be really tight for a while. So yeah, I'm venting to strangers on internet and hoping that someone have any tip on how to overcome a parasocial relationship.
if you read all that, thank you so much. It kind of felt good putting this all out. ♥