Moving past being the other man
I am seeking advice for how to move past my own shame and disappointment in myself. A couple of years ago, I became close friends with a woman at work. I was single, she was married with kids. I had a crush on her, but I didn’t think much of it. I really didn’t consider the possibility that our relationship was inappropriate. She was nice to me, but she’s nice to everyone.
Then one day she confessed to me that she had strong feelings for me and that she was checked out of her marriage. She told told me all these things about me she liked, how she didn’t understand I was single etc. I told her I felt our connection too.
I’m a mess for a couple days because I know our friendship can’t be anymore. But also - we have to work together. Realistically I know that we need to get away from each other. A couple days later we talk again to try clear the air. I tell her we need hard boundaries where we talk only about work and that I don’t want to have an affair with her. I lecture her about putting her marriage in danger.
A few days later she starts messaging me on our work network. Mostly just friendly, joking things. But obviously things have changed now. And I don’t reinforce my boundaries. I chat back. Because I’m lonely and I like it. So begins an emotional affair for a couple months.
We meet again and agree we are both lost and this needs to end. So we basically ignore each other as much as possible for 4 months. And then there’s a work conference out of town. We get drunk with everyone else. She invites me to her hotel room and we sleep together. She starts talking about ending her marriage for me. I tell her she shouldn’t do that and she should get a new job. She comes to my place a couple of weeks later to ‘talk’ and we sleep together again.
At this point I realize how lost I am and how much I hate what I’ve become/am doing. I feel miserable every hour of every day - a mix of guilt and sadness. We agree to put up boundaries again. We ignore each other for 4 months. But we still work together and have to see each other. I feel no better emotionally. It just feels like we are suppressing feelings that are obviously inappropriate - no one’s feelings are resolving. After 4 months she has a bit of a breakdown and tells me she’s so sick of feeling this way. I ask her if she’s looking for another job. She says no, she doesn’t want to leave me.
I start looking for another job because I just want this over. A few months later, I have one, and I’ve been at it for a few months. Her and I have not talked, not do I plan to.
I’m having an awful time moving on. Not because of my feelings for her - getting away resolved that. But the guilt and shame of what I was involved in have hit me hard and are dominating my life.
I am not making excuses. I understand my actions were wrong and I deeply regret them. But I’ve also learned a lot in why I did what I did, how affairs happen, the slippery emotional slope, etc. But that isn’t helping me move forward.
I ruminate all the time on my shame. I have trouble associating with people because I’m thinking about what they would think if they knew this thing about me. I spend all my time beating myself up wishing I could change what happened.
If this was a friend, I would have compassion for their emotional struggle. Not condone what they did, but I would still love them and would want to he there for them as they try get their life on track.
I kmow the difference between guilt and shame but I still feel stuck. I don’t believe I’m at risk of any sort of infidelity again in the future - my lesson has been learned. I’d like to start forgiving myself somewhat and moving forward in my own life. I’d like to start dating again but I struggle because I feel obsessed with this and terrified of the thought of telling my future partner, but also feel like it’s lying to not tell her.
Does anyone have any tips on moving forward? I know that a happier, better version of me is better for other people I associate with too. Has anyone dealt with something similar and were you able to move through it?