Hi there (my apologies for length) I’m kind of struggling and need real people to talk to, but I don’t really feel like I have anyone I could have a real and honest conversation with about this and I’ve brought it up to my bf too many times and I’m not sure how to talk about it to be quite honest.
I (22F) have this great, wonderful boyfriend (21M) that I’ve been with for almost two years now, but I am aware I have some jealousy issues. I’m trying to work on it and I’ve been doing better as of late, but there’s this one recurring … thing. So my bf has a really good friend (21 or 22F I think) and they hang out together. Sometimes they go smoke together, sometimes they go get food together. And for some reason there is just this feeling of … idk despair? Heartache? Idk what it is but it’s just a sadness that washes over me every time.
I have some pretty bad anxiety and haven’t had the best examples or experiences in relationships for my lifetime (this is honestly the only completely healthy relationship I’ve had and we’ve already decided we’re each other’s forever). So my mind goes to some pretty ugly places, like when I think of guy and girl smoking together, it feels intimate imo. Or when it’s just the two of them out to eat, that also feels intimate. Especially since they go eat so they can talk. But he and I don’t really go out and eat and talk. Most of our dates are watching a movie or something, there’s usually not a lot of conversation. And today I had the thought that I wish he would take me out to dinner to just talk rather than eat and have filler conversations. Ask about my life, the ups and downs, etc. we talk about work and stuff like every day, but I mean ask me deeper questions about my emotions or what’s going on at home, school, etc.
He’s calmed me multiple times on the issue, updates me while he’s out, given me the reassurance that he loves me, he’s not going to leave me, he’s not out entertaining other women. But he has also said he’s not going to just stop seeing his friend (and this isn’t the only woman friend he has, I will say I think they hang out 1 on 1 the most but he does hang with his other friends 1 on 1). But for some reason, whenever they hang out I get coated in this sadness and anxiety. And I know a part of it now is she popped up on my tik tok recommended and I’ll be honest she’s so pretty. It was easier when she was just a faceless name but now I know what she looks like.
I know a lot of this is insecurity + bad relationship history + jealousy of the quality time. But how do I get the feeling to stop and go away? How do I stop feeling this way? Because I mean I’ve felt great all day and as the day has gone on since he told me his plans for the day, I’ve gotten sadder and sadder and I really wish I wasn’t like this anymore. It’s exhausting for me and I know it’s exhausting for him. How do I do better and fix my mind? And if I need to talk to him, how do I do it right? I don’t wanna make it a fight but I want to communicate my feelings. I just don’t know how, it never seems to come out right.
TLDR: how do I stop feeling so anxious when my bf goes out with his friend ?