Me vs my heart
I have lost myself. I love my parents selflessly, my father smokes drinks and is like an addict ( he justifies himself saying he's got a lot of job pressure)
My mom is diabetic and has cholesterol and blah blah. My grandfather was literally the closest to me since childhood, after his death I was shattered, my grades went down..I became sick, lost a lot of weight and was diagnosed with ptsd. I got Ulcers out of stress and acid reflux and stuff which are fine now as am under a psychiatrist. But i still can't love myself more than my closed ones, today my mom had a slight pain near her chest and I almost had a panic attack and the same fear of loosing her hitting me with the traumatic pictures of my grandfathers dead body on the floor. I feel overwhelmed when my parents buy me something expensive thinking they will leave me v soon bcz before dying my grandfather bought me my first laptop and phone. I still fear loosing my mom and dad, i love them so much, i ask my dad to quit smoking and drinking but ik he could never. I just can't live this way being scared all together of loosing them..I love them with my everything but this fear of their death and picturising them in frames in my head is really painfully disgusting