Hi everyone, I could really use some outside perspective on this because I am losing my mind living in this apartment.
TL;DR: My high school best friend completely abandoned me and my other roommate for her relationship, treated us terribly on a trip, and became an awful roommate. Now she has no one else and is trying to force us to be besties again while playing the victim. We're stuck living together and I need advice on how to set boundaries without making our home (more) toxic.
Disclaimer: This is quite a long read (sorry!). Thanks in advance to anyone who sticks around.
For context, I (23F) live with my two friends from back home, "Lauren" and "Mary" (both also 23F). Lauren was my absolute best friend in high school (for 5y) and Mary is my childhood friend (for 17y). We were inseparable, to the point where the three of us even quarantined together for months during the pandemic. And after that, we all got into the same university (in a different city from ours) and decided to move in together to save money. At first, things seemed fine, but our dynamic started shifting pretty quickly.
I’ve always been more open to meeting new people, but Lauren and Mary were more reserved. Especially Lauren, who didn’t really try to adapt to the new city or make new friends in her classes. I tried to stay close to her, even syncing schedules so we could go to and from class and walk home together (our majors are different but our classes were in the same buildings and started/ended at the same time). But she never really made the same effort. She wouldn’t wait for me, wouldn’t communicate… it was always me reaching out. Eventually, I stopped trying and made my own friends there.
Things really started going downhill when Lauren got a girlfriend back in our hometown, "Amber" (27F). Amber is older, established, and comes from a well off family. At first, we were genuinely happy for her, Lauren had a rough dating history, so we wanted this to work out. But things got weird when we finally met Amber.
Whenever Amber hung out with our group, we tried so hard to make her feel included. But when we hung out with Amber and her friends, Mary and I were completely ignored. When we brought this up to Lauren, she got super defensive and basically said it didn't matter if we felt left out because Mary and I "had each other."
That hurt, but we let it go, we thought maybe we were being too harsh and didn’t want to lose her over this. But over time, Lauren became more and more distant. She was constantly on the phone with Amber ( since they were long-distance), and there was barely any real interaction at home anymore. Even our doorman asked if she still lived with us.
But things really blew up during a trip we planned for a concert. The three of us were huge fans of this artist, and although we couldn’t get tickets in our city, we managed to get some in another (far and very unsafe) city, which required flights and an Airbnb. My boyfriend at the time was also coming since it was his birthday and I didn’t want to leave him all alone.
Because of this, I encouraged Lauren to invite Amber, since she liked the artist too, and we helped her get the tickets. The plan was to split costs to make it affordable. But then Lauren told us she and Amber would stay in a separate Airbnb, completely screwing up our budget. Again, annoying, but fine. What really sucked was what happened during the trip.
Lauren basically ditched us the entire time to hang out with Amber’s friends. She invited us to dinner last minute one night, but by the time we got there, they had already eaten and the restaurant was closing. On the day of the concert, she didn’t sit with us. After the show, things got genuinely chaotic. It was 11pm, my phone died, Mary had no signal, and we were stranded late at night in a dangerous area we didn’t know trying to find our Uber (because of traffic he couldn't get to our location). Lauren and Amber already had a car arranged and we asked her for help, and Lauren said she couldn’t. Amber was literally holding her phone out and didn’t offer to help either. I ended up panicking and begging Lauren not to leave us there alone. Eventually, their driver let us hotspot his phone to find our ride, and they left.
No text after or the next day to know if we were okay. None.
Still, it was the last day of our trip and we wanted to spend it with her, so we reached out but she declined saying she was too tired… and then later posted that she went out anyway.
That really broke something for us. I mean, I would’ve never done this to her, if she was in that situation I wouldn’t leave her side until I knew they were okay. So that night we realized we couldn't count on her.
When we tried to confront Lauren about how deeply hurt we were, she refused to take any accountability, blaming her shitty behavior on "anxiety." It was a lame excuse, but she was my best friend for 5 years prior to this. And I have a bad habit of not knowing when to let something go, so we decided to give her another chance.
But things didn’t improve. Over the next year, she barely made time for us, even when we were all back in our hometown, on the same street!! When we got back to uni she was constantly traveling to see Amber, neglecting classes, pulling all-nighters, and staying on facetime with her basically 24/7.
Anytime we tried to hang out, she was either glued to her phone or would leave early for something related to her girlfriend. We tried to gently point out that her habits seemed unhealthy, maybe even codependent, and she got upset and told us it wasn’t our business.
Another major issue was money. Amber came from a wealthy background and could afford a much more expensive lifestyle, constantly going to fancy restaurants, travelling and spending freely. Lauren, on the other hand, was just an intern with a limited income, but she tried to keep up with Amber’s lifestyle anyway. She would spend most (if not all) of her money on trips and expensive outings with her girlfriend, and as a result, she often couldn’t contribute properly to household expenses. She became a terrible roommate too, beyond not contributing much financially, she didn’t help when we moved apartments, rarely helped with chores, would leave dirty dishes, etc.
We were so exhausted that we actually sat her down and told her that if she didn't want to be friends anymore, that was fine, we just wanted honesty. She immediately started crying, saying she loved us and that we were her best friends, but her actions never changed.
For the last year, Mary and I just completely emotionally checked out. We gave up on the friendship and started treating her strictly as a roommate. It was fine because she was barely ever home anyway. But recently, all her bad habits caught up with her and she had a serious health scare, literally fainting in class. Mary and I had to step up and spend hours with her at the hospital.
But now, suddenly, she’s acting like everything is back to how it used to be.
She’s buying us gifts, asking to hang out, waiting for me after class, wanting hugs…It’s an absolute nightmare because Mary and I are completely detached at this point, but we don't want to be rude and make our living situation toxic. She can clearly tell we are pulling away, so she constantly asks if we're mad at her. But the absolute most frustrating part is that she’s actively trying to paint herself as the victim, she even told a mutual friend that we distanced ourselves because of her relationship, completely ignoring everything she did to us.
This whole situation makes everyday life so incredibly suffocating, especially when Mary and I just want to do our things together. If we want to go out to a bar or grab dinner, we genuinely do not want to invite her. But if we don't, it looks like we are purposefully excluding her, which just feeds right into her whole "poor me, my friends abandoned me" narrative. If we're just doing something at home, like watching a movie, it's whatever we'll just give her a casual "hey, we're watching this if you want to join" to keep the peace. But going out with her? We just want to enjoy our time without dealing with her forced, fake energy. It 's exhausting.
At this point, I think she’s realizing she doesn’t really have other friends anymore (we’re not the only ones she drifted from), and now that is ending, it’s hitting her.
So yeah… I don’t know what to do and how to coexist with someone who hurted me deeply but now wants to act like nothing happened. She's making me feel so guilty for not wanting to be her friend anymore.
What would you do? How do I set boundaries without making things worse?
*I know a lot of people will probably ask why we still live with her if things are bad. The truth is, back when we first moved in together, we made a promise that we wouldn't screw each other over financially, even if we had a falling out. If we kicked her out or left her off the lease, she’d have no one else to live with and would have to pay way more for a place on her own. As much as we resent how she treated us, we don't want to do that to her. So for now, we’re kind of stuck sharing a space.
Anyways, any advice would be really appreciated!