I am an 18yo, grew up away from my parents because they had a very toxic relationship and somehow they never separated either, rather they gave me up, their only kid, to my foster parents. I never felt like I belong to somewhere, always had this loss of identity. Then I left to live in a junior college dorm for two years when I was 16 and I got isolated even more. Was passive suicidal throughout, it was taking such a toll on me that I decided to return to my foster parents.
Now I don't feel low, I just feel annoyed, irritated, angry, dissatisfied all the time. Even when things are going well and I have no reason to be sad, I would just rot in my room, trying to do different things and not finishing any of em as the moment I started em it started giving me an ick.
I dated some people for very few days and the moment things start getting serious, I would start feeling and ick and this very strong urge to just run away.
I only grew strong affection for one person just because i know we will never be together.
Things are only going downhill.
In 10th grade, I performed so well, I was in top 1.5% of academic performers of the year in my whole nation, but now in 12th grade, I am barely passing any subject.
I didn't even get accepted for a university this year because I didn't score well, neither in 12th, nor in their entrance examinations.
Despite this, when I study, I have this will to give my best, but I am just not able to continue for a long time.
I would change from apps to apps to see if something's interesting out there, but nothing excites.
I don't have any reason to be depressed but i am soo very badly depressed, and I don't wanna die, but it's killing me, if not literally, then metaphorically.