Hi. I’m an ICU new grad nurse. I’ve been working on my own for almost 5 months (after my 12 week orientation, supposed to be 8 weeks but I begged). Disclaimer *I am not having any SI!* I just want to share and maybe someone
resonates.
I found a post where nurses on here shamed people for having pictures of them crying. I don’t post stuff on tiktok/other social media. Admittedly, I do have some pictures I took while crying or upset but usually in my car on the way home. I took one during a 10 minute bathroom break after things hit the fan and a patient died suddenly, I wrote a caption and kept it in an album, no identifiers. I take these so I can look back one day and remind myself that feelings makes me human. When it is deeply personal, I think it’s a good thing to keep track of memories, when you weren’t numb, after you made a mistake and times where you didn’t feel like you did enough.
I am posting this because I watched a video on facebook where a 19 year old girl performed CPR on her dad and he didn’t make it, when I realized there were tears coming down my face. I asked myself why? I’ve seen sad videos like this before. Then I randomly remembered that I body bagged my own patient by myself a few days ago and didn’t ever cry about it. Yes he was just comfort care but only in his mid 50s. His wife and son hugged me and were grateful. I remember I wanted to cry but as they walked away I just turned around and did the expiration chain. I knew I was behind on all charting that I hadn’t even started cause I was so busy. Suddenly, I ended up receiving a new patient at 12am only 15 minutes after my patient died. While on orientation I realized how special post mortem is and how saying my own goodbye is closure too. But now, there was no time or mental space to pass him to the other side. I eventually did the post mortem care but it was almost like I was in a hurry to get it done cause I had so much to catch up on. All of it seems so fucked up, and my patient deserved more from me.
Sometimes I can’t stop focusing on the details like when I accidentally looked at a patients face during CPR, how it feels when you’re breaking their ribs, how violent a grand mal seizure looks, or knowing your patient is actively herniating in front of you the whole shift and there is absolutely nothing you can do to reverse it. Or how pale they start to look and cold they feel as you’re waiting 1 hour for the type and screen to come back. Adding a third pressor to keep them alive when you know their husband is visiting at 7am. I absolutely LOVE the ICU, yet feel I am alone in these very detailed thoughts as a new grad. I am neurodivergent but also truly feel everything in extremes and have since I was a kid. I remember vivid images, smells, taste, if there was music playing or a specific background noise. I worry I’m becoming numb now. Not because I don’t care but because it hurts too much to care. Will I eventually start generalizing situations instead of either feeling too much or too little?
Edit: I just realized. hope I did not create click bait and anyone thought baby nurse meant L&D or NICU combined in a sentence with morbid thoughts…