u/Adbc12

This is the beginning of the start of my journaling journey, well not the start, I've dabbled occasionally in the past. If I remember correctly around 2021 was when I had used my Mac’s already downloaded notes app to document what was going down at the time. To really weird things such as my experience with being circumcised at 11, to my breakup with a girl called Geet and my other feelings for girls such as Krishanna and Caitlin, all of those ending up with me in a depressive state and entirely cutting communication with them, ‘cept for Caitlin of course, dunno how but we somehow manage to still be friends after all these years, even while we’re not actively texting or whatever, she was the girl who wished my happy birthday last year despite me not really celebrating it on that day due to my family working and the sorts. A great girl her. I liked her during my time at around year 9 and a bit before that, she got me peanut butter on my birthday which at the time was a joke between us as we talked somehow pretty often, other than that she’s a true blue friend until the end, even wishing me happy birthday in 2025 and remaining my friend into the New Year where I also wished her a happy new year. Up until rn my romantic life has taken a nose dive right into hell, Imogen isn’t exactly the bestest girlfriend, but oh well, this sort of thing happens. It’s just hard to process what’s going on between us right now, but the same can be said about before this. We were going so well at the very start, up until school started, I had some serious flirting skills I’ll admit, but I guess that wasn’t enough, I keep thinking that maybe if i was better, and that the start must’ve sucked for her which is my fault as i’m quite the awkward coward around her friends, but that was in January and things definitely got different, we shared a good amount of experiences in school, I can’t forget the 2 moments she grabbed my arm on separate occasions, one was when she dragged me to meet the new girl in her friend group Millie, and the other when she was asking what my friend Ethan had said into my ear, when really it was nothing, anyways I’m not going to dive deep into it but really you can chalk it up to there being 0 communication, more on Imogen's side than mine in my completely non-biased opinion. I’m just now realising that I had somehow gaslit myself into such a delusional state that for 2-3 months of not texting or communicating after school was alright, I had reasoned that she has a busy life taking care of her siblings, working a job, being in advanced classes and being a Y.M.L was the reason why she didn’t have time. Most people have recently told me that’s delusional and I can agree. Even after typing this whole thing out it’s an easy assumption to say that we broke up already, somehow I don’t even know. She hasn’t texted me about it so it’s not fully confirmed, except to me and a bunch of others, lack of communication and contact in school, alongside other things that my friend Jackson has observed, which I already had observed before he told me but just refused to believe it as I thought I was being too paranoid, he had told me that she would face entirely away when sitting next to me, me already knowing that from the evident showcase in a Biology class when I chose to sat next to her, her facing away from me the whole time, even when her friends were talking to me. A crushing experience there’s no doubt. After writing this I think back to my Caitlin crush, even now it seems more appealing than ever, but that’s definitely the aftershocks of a basically break up situation to an all blue loner. I plan to continue my journaling on google docs until I find a suitable book to write in, I won't journal everyday because I don’t feel like it and would most likely touch up on my thoughts at least once or twice a week, and if I forget, probably next month after shit goes down, reason being is because it’s Imogen's birthday on the 25th and I have a cactus i’ve been growing and maintaining since april 15th and a fat seal plush. If we break up officially, which I doubt, that’s also saying that she invites me. I might just give the cactus to my friend Julian as I don’t think I'd be able to look at a plant which literally has our combined names and a very romantic meaning, and feel anything except shame, disappointment, and pure loneliness. Maybe i'm being too much of a sook, and if you've read up to this point, i'm sorry if I'm not really lonely, I just want someone to know about my experiences as I have no one who would listen.