i don’t remember the first time i called you my friend
was it the round tables in math
or the laughs in history
girlfriend, babe, boyfriend, wife, love, sweetheart
my mothers false suspicions
but it was almost real
i look at all our messages and my heart stops
now it’s nothing more than a silhouette of grey and a deleted user
but it used to be you
you left so many reminders of us in me
the photos of us on valentines
remembering when we’d go out into the city
our deleted list of dreams
i hate you
you who has left these everlasting marks on me
i remember the way your hands through my hair felt on new years
the way you looked taping and bleaching my hair
do you think of me every time you look in the mirror and see stripes
when someone mentions how cool your hair is do you think of how we match
when you listen to too close do you think of me or her
have you deleted all my songs from your playlist
when you look in the night sky and see orion do you think of us
do you look at me now with hatred
i’m so lonely
i miss you
but i know it wasn’t right
a best friend shouldn’t make you hate yourself
im weak
the scars on my thighs say so
part of me blames it all on you
if you had just been a good friend
but you’re struggling too
are you going to hurt yourself now too because of what i said
is it all my fault now
i’m trying to form new bonds
but it’s all built on the blueprint of you
i can’t be with her without thinking of you
and i’m terrified it’s going to go bad again
do you feel it
do you feel the singed edges
the razor sharp wounds
the blood dripping down my skin
does it feel good to you
do you feel righteous
do you think you did the right thing
do you think you did right by me
do you tell everyone i was manipulative
terrible
horrible
really fucking toxic
do they know what you did to me
do you miss me
do you want to reach out to me
did you ever want to talk to me
why did you have to send me that voice message
if it was just to kick me again
i was hopeful you know
why was it so wrong for me to care about you
why when it was your turn the demons in the closet wore chains
but mine were forced into the sun in the darkness of a car and a voice message
i’ve earned these tigers stripes
but at the extent of what
my progress
my parents trust
my last craft blade
do you care about me still
would you cry if i left
would i care if you did
i dont even know if i love you anymore the way i did
not after this
no not at all