I will try to keep this short. I got married at 19. Came from a very abusive and religious background. Got divorced at 23 because he was abusive in multiple ways and was seeing my friend. I jumped into an emotional affair during the initial separation, ended it. Then during the divorce stage I started dating a guy and we were married like a year later.
He had some flags that were raised with his temper and a few other things. But he was sleeping with a lot of people before we got together. He wanted to care for me and being in such a vulnerable space I jumped right into his arms.
I wouldn’t say he is a bad man. He has a kid from another marriage. We had a kid together two years ago who was a surprise. But we’re coming up on 4 years of marriage and 5 years of being together. He provides and is a good dad mostly. His temper still comes out at times and I find myself getting anxious about it.
The sex is awful and obviously doesn’t happen much. He says he’s so tired. But he can’t stay hard, will finish before me then just tell me we can use something to finish me but that’s not what I want. I have asked him multiple times to get checked out and he’s finally doing it but this morning he told me he wanted to cancel the appointment. I told him no that he needs to go. I am simply not attracted to him but I don’t want to tell him that I haven’t been for a long time.
I have tried to speak with him about how I’m feeling and it often turns into a self pity session about how he’s so awful and he mentioned me just leaving him one time if he’s so bad but I was just trying to find a path to work towards together. He will wallow for days and I felt responsible for his emotions but now I know I’m not.
Things are so dull and I just don’t know what to do because I have tried to spice things up. I have tried to spend time with him, give him space. I just feel depressed and defeated.
Fast forward. I wasn’t looking for an affair. But this guy and I just found each other through a creative space and initially it was only a few messages here and there but it’s become more.
I’ve found myself totally falling for this guy and he’s admitted he likes me. He’s a state over. And now I feel stuck. I’m attracted to him in all ways and I know initial feelings can have you feeling like you’re in the honeymoon stage again. Which is why I’m being cautious. I’m wondering if I’m in an emotional affair. We don’t talk all day but we talk pretty much every day.
I’ve been doing some deep work over the years deconstructing religious trauma, trying to figure out what I want. And a pattern I’ve noticed is I jump from person to person. I feel like a failure. But it’s hard when this man has made me feel more seen than ever before.
So maybe he is a pAP.
His emotional intelligence is what roped me in the most and how respectful he is of women. Not to mention we both share common interests. He knows I have a kid.
I think it’s easy to feel secure with comfort and what you’ve know because you don’t want to blow up your life. One moment I feel guilty I want to experience this other person and the next I don’t. Having a kid in the mix certainly doesn’t help. Parents what do you do? Those who have been stuck? I have a fear of starting something with this guy. A fear of leaving. Of staying. Of starting over. Of getting divorced twice by 29. I just don’t freaking know. I am in a rut.
Any words, comments, or wisdom are welcome. I am just so…frozen. Ask questions too if I wasn’t too clear.