I apologize if this doesn't make much sense and isn't cohesive. I mostly want to vent and gather thoughts. I might post this in a couple places to get additional view points.
My husband and I have been together for over 5 years and married for 2 and a half. We are in our early 30s. We did not have sex the entire first year of dating. We have had penatrative sex maybe 12 times our entire relationship most of those times lasted maybe 3 minutes. I have given him oral around 20 times. He had never made me orgasam. I always initiated. We have only had sex once since we got married and it ended quickly.
I stopped trying to initiate for a few reasons. Getting rejected and mixed signals started to really impact my self worth and esteem. He doesn't shower, change his clothes or brush his teeth enough. I have tried to kindly mention this for years but nothing changes. I am not sure if I have too high on standard for these things though.
He never tries to initiate or if he does it is not clear. He does touch my chest and butt a lot but it is more in an effort to be annoying. Like while I'm doing a chore or focused on something. I no longer associate his touch in any sexy or romantic way.
In all other ways our marriage is perfect. He is my best friend. We get a long so well. He is very loving and caring. We share many interests and never fight. He brags about our relationship to many people. He says he is happy and I think he is telling the truth.
If I take away the sexual aspect of a romantic relationship ours is amazing. I am starting to feel frustrated about our physical relationship though. I do not want to throw away our marriage over something so seemingly trivial. Is it terrible of me to be bummed that I will likely never have sex again?
We have talked a bit about it and he is very uncomfortable discussing it. He has had sex with a lot of women before me so I sometimes feel like it is my fault. He has said he is not asexual or gay. He has mentioned in passing that he could have ED. He would never go to a doctor or really admit that to anyone. He used to want kids but has now changed his mind because of the fact that we would have to successfully have sex for it to happen.
I love this man so much. The thought of not being with me hurts me. Does it make sense that I am staying with him? Am I being shallow for even worrying about sex when the rest of our relationship is so good?