I'm so so scared to graduate college. I am terrified. I have had such a rough year with my Grandma passing and I feel like right now everything is just starting to crash around me and that I am never going to get anywhere in life after college. The world feels like it is rushing around me and as someone who is neurodivergent this is all getting so overwhelming and I am so scared for what is to come. It's so hard to work on anything or be proud of my accomplishments because the fear of graduating is just overriding everything . I'm so burnt out. I was literally fine an hour or two ago and now I'm laying in bed sobbing.
I got into a very competitive grad school program for design, I got honors diploma, I got praise by my Professors, but no matter how much I accomplished it all feels like I still did nothing. Ive been trying to push through my assignments and no matter how much I work during the day, I feel like a failure. My hyperfixations are making it difficult to get anything done and I feel like I'm drowning in work. I'm used to having to stay up until 3-4am grinding out art pieces and now that I have an easy quarter, I am being harder on myself, because to me, if I don't stay up late, I'm not working hard enough. I'm not doing enough to make my work perfect.
I feel like I managed to complete absolutely nothing today and the past years and that through my years at art school my work has not improved one bit, even if I have had industry professionals praise my work. Even if there is noticeable improvement, I'm my worst critic. The job economy doesn't help either, the constant no's and the one or two interview requests have done nothing to help.
My mind is my worst enemy right now and everything is accumulating into the fear of the future. I have been in school my whole life and once I graduate it's all over, the routine is gone until August for 2 years and then it really is stopped. I'm terrified of the unknown that is coming in my life. What if I never get a job? What if I'm never successful? What if college was all for nothing and amounts to nothing? What if I don't make any friends in grad school and am lonely forever after college?
I just want to live a happy life but right now it seems like it won't ever happen to me. I'm scared I'm going to be living a life of constant anxiety on what I have yet to accomplish. I'm 22 and feel like I should have everything figured out, I mean, that's what society pushes for now, but I don't.
I don't know what to do anymore dad I'm so exhausted I have a small piece of me excited to graduate but most of it is fear